Results of the run-off for P&B were in today. Two candidates got enough votes to get in, but there has to be another run off for the third position--and based on what was going on with my candidacy, I've withdrawn my name from consideration. I'm disappointed--and I confess my ego is a little bruised, as it is a bit of a popularity contest (and my numbers went down, not up): I truly do/did like doing the work, though sometimes the stress levels got pretty high. Ah well. There was a moment last week when I considered withdrawing anyway, just as a stress alleviator--and now the stress will be alleviated. One of those times when the universe helps out by making sure the best thing happens, despite what we may think we want. I already am thinking of ways to take it a lot easier next year, committee-wise (I can afford to relax for a year before I start pushing for full); among other things, I hope I can refocus attention on my teaching--and on the large (and wonderful) changes happening in my personal life.
Both classes went pretty well today, and I had productive meetings with two students in my office. One is working very very hard to comprehend The Left Hand of Darkness: he admits that he doesn't read much, so it's a skill he hasn't developed. We worked on strategies to help him--and I suggested (among other things) that he start focusing on what he does understand instead of what he doesn't: the sense of getting it will begin to self-reinforce, instead of feeling confused, which tends to lead to a block against understanding (the brain feels dizzy and can't take in even things that normally would make sense). I hope it helped: the students have proposals for their final papers due at the start of next week, and the ones who have a hard time understanding the novel are going to be facing a brutally difficult task.
The other student who came to my office came in to work on a revision (special circumstance, so he gets a little more time). But I think I mentioned him earlier: he's sharing the novel with friends at work, discussing it there, and having a blast getting his mind blown. He's really grooving on it now: mega-cool.
I probably have more I could say, but it's getting late and since I was too wound up to sleep well last night (got about 4 hours worth) and still feel wired for sound, despite eyelids made of heavy-grit sandpaper, so I need to find ways to unjazz myself. My usual soporifics haven't been working well of late, so I'm not quite sure what I'll try, but here's hoping for success.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Better
Physically better. Got about 7 1/2 hours sleep, thank God, and the body has calmed down. Classes went OK (102 a little bit like pulling impacted wisdom teeth again), churning through stuff, turning the crank, as Dad used to say. The poetry students did some very good work on a couple of very difficult poems, and at the end (forgetting how much I'd assigned), I asked them to move on to one more. They hadn't read it before, but it was pretty much just for fun anyway: Susan Griffin's "Answer to a Man's Question, 'What Can I Do About Women's Liberation?'" A fine and funny rant. I let them go early (wow, there's a shock)--but three of the young women stayed to talk to me about their final paper proposals. I love doing that kind of one-on-one work, and I look forward to getting the results. Smart and hard-working young women, all three of them. Nice.
However, I did just type in three (THREE!) papers to check for plagiarism. I have a sneaking suspicion that none of them includes the kind of plagiarism that will turn up with an internet check, though, dammit. Sometimes work in the E-Cheat type sites won't turn up (as one has to buy/download the entire paper to get at the bits that students have used)--and sometimes, the students have shuffled things just enough that whatever formulae/logorithms the computer program uses can't catch the raided source. There is also always the help from boyfriend/girlfriend/cousin/Mom/whoever kind of plagiarism, and that really is pretty much impossible to catch. I'm not going to drive myself insane over this (as I sometimes do--especially earlier in the semester, when I have more energy for righteous indignation). If the computer software doesn't find anything, I'll let them get away with it. None of the papers is good enough to get a great grade anyway: plenty of other problems. And I have a Pollyanna-esque sense that somehow the students will get their come-uppance somewhere, if not from me then somewhere down the road.
But I do feel rather defeated, or deflated, or some such thing, when I encounter papers that raise the red flags. "Oh, Honey, if you'd just try to THINK, you'd probably do OK..."
There is, of course, a lot of other stuff that needs to be graded/marked, sitting there on the radiator, looking at me with a blank stare: "Yeah? And what are you going to do about me?" Ignore you, for the time being. I will have a reasonable chunk of time tomorrow to chip away at that pile of student work, possibly even the mental energy to write up the observation I conducted, oh, a while ago. The law of diminishing returns is making itself manifest at the moment, however. My intention is to find something relatively innocuous to do to whittle away the time until Paul is done with his evening class, after which we will go out for a celebratory carnivorous blow-out dinner. Very happy to be feeling up for that tonight. Geez, it's nice to feel better after feeling poorly. And the sun is shining, God's in His heaven and all's right with the world. For now.
However, I did just type in three (THREE!) papers to check for plagiarism. I have a sneaking suspicion that none of them includes the kind of plagiarism that will turn up with an internet check, though, dammit. Sometimes work in the E-Cheat type sites won't turn up (as one has to buy/download the entire paper to get at the bits that students have used)--and sometimes, the students have shuffled things just enough that whatever formulae/logorithms the computer program uses can't catch the raided source. There is also always the help from boyfriend/girlfriend/cousin/Mom/whoever kind of plagiarism, and that really is pretty much impossible to catch. I'm not going to drive myself insane over this (as I sometimes do--especially earlier in the semester, when I have more energy for righteous indignation). If the computer software doesn't find anything, I'll let them get away with it. None of the papers is good enough to get a great grade anyway: plenty of other problems. And I have a Pollyanna-esque sense that somehow the students will get their come-uppance somewhere, if not from me then somewhere down the road.
But I do feel rather defeated, or deflated, or some such thing, when I encounter papers that raise the red flags. "Oh, Honey, if you'd just try to THINK, you'd probably do OK..."
There is, of course, a lot of other stuff that needs to be graded/marked, sitting there on the radiator, looking at me with a blank stare: "Yeah? And what are you going to do about me?" Ignore you, for the time being. I will have a reasonable chunk of time tomorrow to chip away at that pile of student work, possibly even the mental energy to write up the observation I conducted, oh, a while ago. The law of diminishing returns is making itself manifest at the moment, however. My intention is to find something relatively innocuous to do to whittle away the time until Paul is done with his evening class, after which we will go out for a celebratory carnivorous blow-out dinner. Very happy to be feeling up for that tonight. Geez, it's nice to feel better after feeling poorly. And the sun is shining, God's in His heaven and all's right with the world. For now.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Soooooo tired
I pretty much bailed on both classes this afternoon. I got very little sleep last night, on top of two days of not feeling very well (since developing celiac, any stress hits me straight in the guts: I feel rather like a ferociously squeezed toothpaste tube). I spent the whole morning trying to decide if I could make it through the day, going back and forth, and finally had used up what little energy I had about five minutes before my first class--by which time it felt a bit idiotic to cancel. I might as well have, however, as I let the students go almost immediately after taking attendance. In 101, I met with two students who wanted to go over papers with me. (I hope what we did was productive. They both felt more confident, at any rate, which is good.) The rest went off to work on their projects. In 102, I collected revisions, returned reading journals, talked to them a minute about reading journals, and then told them I'd hang out for anyone who wanted my help with anything, but that otherwise they could go and put the time to whatever was most productive for them--including a nap, which is what I was/am aching for. A few hung out for a while: one of them is having a great time with the novel; he's reading it with his work buddies, talking it over with them, enjoying having his mind blown by some of Le Guin's ideas. Very cool.
In terms of my own nap needs, however, now it's that awkward limbo time when it's too late to nap and too early to go to bed. Still, my eyes are burning, and I am utterly incapable of doing anything remotely productive. Despite being out of bed at 5 this morning, I accomplished almost nothing--and still have the papers to grade for 265, which need to be ready to return by tomorrow at 2. That means another morning of getting up well before dawn, but I'm hoping I can wind down sufficiently to get to bed at a commensurately early hour tonight. To do that, however, I have to regretfully miss dance class. I really hate missing it--but tonight it's way more important to be home and winding down (something I'm not doing very well at these days, I confess).
Sweet moment a minute ago: student from 102 came to the office to turn in his paper--and he asked me if he could use my poem about how students misread Sexton's "The Starry Night" as a critical source. I said that poems are not critical sources, but it was flattering--and he actually used lines from the poem in a way that made it sound like it could have been. Really, I was flattered and touched that he wanted to use my work that way. Another nice moment: a student from 101 is so worked up about the topic for her second paper that she joined the Sierra Club's fight against the Hetch Hetchy dam, sent them money.... Her family is making fun of her, but I told her I thought it was terrific. It is great when something clearly is getting through. It may not be what I'm most worried about, but it's something, and it is valuable to them, and that's truly uplifting.
In terms of my own nap needs, however, now it's that awkward limbo time when it's too late to nap and too early to go to bed. Still, my eyes are burning, and I am utterly incapable of doing anything remotely productive. Despite being out of bed at 5 this morning, I accomplished almost nothing--and still have the papers to grade for 265, which need to be ready to return by tomorrow at 2. That means another morning of getting up well before dawn, but I'm hoping I can wind down sufficiently to get to bed at a commensurately early hour tonight. To do that, however, I have to regretfully miss dance class. I really hate missing it--but tonight it's way more important to be home and winding down (something I'm not doing very well at these days, I confess).
Sweet moment a minute ago: student from 102 came to the office to turn in his paper--and he asked me if he could use my poem about how students misread Sexton's "The Starry Night" as a critical source. I said that poems are not critical sources, but it was flattering--and he actually used lines from the poem in a way that made it sound like it could have been. Really, I was flattered and touched that he wanted to use my work that way. Another nice moment: a student from 101 is so worked up about the topic for her second paper that she joined the Sierra Club's fight against the Hetch Hetchy dam, sent them money.... Her family is making fun of her, but I told her I thought it was terrific. It is great when something clearly is getting through. It may not be what I'm most worried about, but it's something, and it is valuable to them, and that's truly uplifting.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Ah, that's better
I feel a little bit more like a teacher today, less like a schitzoid zombie. One student in the poetry class today had a proposal ready: we talked about it for a moment after class, and she's got a good idea to work on. She's decided to do some poems beyond what we read for class, which is also cool. I'm keeping my plagiarism antennae actively vibrating (for all my students, not this one in particular), but I'm looking forward to evaluating what she's up to.
I also had a productive and friendly conference with one of my 101 students this morning. She is trying very hard, is very earnest, and I'm hoping madly that she can incorporate at least some of what we talked about. I will be meeting with another of the struggling students tomorrow. I am, as I think I have said, enormously proud of them that they are still in there fighting to learn. I may get frustrated and despairing about how far they still have to go, but the fact that they refuse to give up is laudable. My heart breaks for them sometimes: they try so hard, and in many cases, much of their effort is for naught (trying hard at the wrong thing being at best an exercise in futility). All I can do is point out, over and over, where to put the effort, what kind of effort, to try to break it down and simplify and clarify until what they need to learn can finally work its way under their skin, into their DNA.
I have to remind myself that the students are, in essence, unlearning years of bad habits--and are for the first time being required to think, period. I have to try to help them learn a whole new way of using their brains as well as a complete set of new habits, a process that requires patient and continual iteration. (I'm not terribly good a the patience part in any aspect of my life, so the need for iteration is often uncomfortable for me: I try not to get testy about it, but being human, sometimes I inadvertently show my irritation.) I know--and have been forgetting of late--that often the result of all the work I will do this semester won't be apparent for at least another semester if not another year--or two, or many. I do need to see a certain amount of progress, a certain skill level, in order to feel a student is adequately prepared for work at the next level: I adamantly believe it does students zero favors to pass them along only for them to hit a brick wall at the next level. (Think about students who have a "describe your favorite pet" 101 class and then end up in a section of 102 taught by someone with serious academic standards.) But I have to remember that the progress may be minuscule, and that "just barely" may be as close as some students can get--and may, for now, be enough. Not enough for a high grade, but enough to keep the student moving forward. The learning may lag behind a bit. One hopes (with a certain desperation) that the learning will, in fact, eventually happen.
Today's 102 did better than they have in a while in terms of discussion. They were still a bit on the quiet side when in their groups, but I gave them some time to work individually before putting them in groups, which I think helped at least a little. Some of them used that time just to read the novel, trying to get caught up--but I'll take that, if that's the best we can do right now. No one, not one student in that section, has gotten as far as I have assigned: I'm very nervous about that, as their proposals are due next week, and if they haven't gotten at least most of the way through the novel, they're going to have a hell of a hard time coming up with a reasonable paper thesis. But we did get to talk about thematic stuff, some of which arose from getting plot points straight. (Talk about iteration: we had to review portions of the novel we've already talked about at least two or three times. But if that's what it takes to get them to understand, then OK, that's what we'll do. I did get a sense that some of them are at last starting to feel like they have a handle on what's going on.) I'm looking forward to tomorrow's group. I'll probably structure the day pretty much the same way (individual review, group work, class discussion), but that bunch is ready to move on to the next thematic issue, which should be fun.
Of course, I have a stack of homework to chip through, as I want to get as much back to them as possible tomorrow (reading journals at least, so they have those for their proposals). I'm expecting a student from 102 any minute now, coming in for help with her revision--and this will be a delight, as she's very bright and has interesting ideas.
God, it's nice to feel the burden of self-castigation lift. This is decidedly not one of my better semesters in terms of, well, just about anything, but weighed against a career, a ragged semester now and then is not catastrophic. Something else for me to remember.
I also had a productive and friendly conference with one of my 101 students this morning. She is trying very hard, is very earnest, and I'm hoping madly that she can incorporate at least some of what we talked about. I will be meeting with another of the struggling students tomorrow. I am, as I think I have said, enormously proud of them that they are still in there fighting to learn. I may get frustrated and despairing about how far they still have to go, but the fact that they refuse to give up is laudable. My heart breaks for them sometimes: they try so hard, and in many cases, much of their effort is for naught (trying hard at the wrong thing being at best an exercise in futility). All I can do is point out, over and over, where to put the effort, what kind of effort, to try to break it down and simplify and clarify until what they need to learn can finally work its way under their skin, into their DNA.
I have to remind myself that the students are, in essence, unlearning years of bad habits--and are for the first time being required to think, period. I have to try to help them learn a whole new way of using their brains as well as a complete set of new habits, a process that requires patient and continual iteration. (I'm not terribly good a the patience part in any aspect of my life, so the need for iteration is often uncomfortable for me: I try not to get testy about it, but being human, sometimes I inadvertently show my irritation.) I know--and have been forgetting of late--that often the result of all the work I will do this semester won't be apparent for at least another semester if not another year--or two, or many. I do need to see a certain amount of progress, a certain skill level, in order to feel a student is adequately prepared for work at the next level: I adamantly believe it does students zero favors to pass them along only for them to hit a brick wall at the next level. (Think about students who have a "describe your favorite pet" 101 class and then end up in a section of 102 taught by someone with serious academic standards.) But I have to remember that the progress may be minuscule, and that "just barely" may be as close as some students can get--and may, for now, be enough. Not enough for a high grade, but enough to keep the student moving forward. The learning may lag behind a bit. One hopes (with a certain desperation) that the learning will, in fact, eventually happen.
Today's 102 did better than they have in a while in terms of discussion. They were still a bit on the quiet side when in their groups, but I gave them some time to work individually before putting them in groups, which I think helped at least a little. Some of them used that time just to read the novel, trying to get caught up--but I'll take that, if that's the best we can do right now. No one, not one student in that section, has gotten as far as I have assigned: I'm very nervous about that, as their proposals are due next week, and if they haven't gotten at least most of the way through the novel, they're going to have a hell of a hard time coming up with a reasonable paper thesis. But we did get to talk about thematic stuff, some of which arose from getting plot points straight. (Talk about iteration: we had to review portions of the novel we've already talked about at least two or three times. But if that's what it takes to get them to understand, then OK, that's what we'll do. I did get a sense that some of them are at last starting to feel like they have a handle on what's going on.) I'm looking forward to tomorrow's group. I'll probably structure the day pretty much the same way (individual review, group work, class discussion), but that bunch is ready to move on to the next thematic issue, which should be fun.
Of course, I have a stack of homework to chip through, as I want to get as much back to them as possible tomorrow (reading journals at least, so they have those for their proposals). I'm expecting a student from 102 any minute now, coming in for help with her revision--and this will be a delight, as she's very bright and has interesting ideas.
God, it's nice to feel the burden of self-castigation lift. This is decidedly not one of my better semesters in terms of, well, just about anything, but weighed against a career, a ragged semester now and then is not catastrophic. Something else for me to remember.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Apologies needed
I have just learned a few very important lessons about this blog--and need to reassure some of my students, who have been reading it. I re-read my own entry from a few days ago, and I realize that it did sound awful--mean, nasty--and I apologize. I was overly tired, in a rotten mood, and wrote/posted without thinking fully about who might read what I was saying, much of which was overstated at best. I do get frustrated; I want so much for my students, and it hurts when I feel like I'm not able to give what you need. I get depressed about it, and see the situation as much more bleak and miserable than it is. But I do not, will not, and have not given up on anyone. Even those of you who are struggling, whose last papers didn't pass, still have 55% of your grade yet to go, so every single one of you still has a chance to pass. You will have to work incredibly hard, but you are capable of that hard work, and it can pay off. I use this blog to blow off steam, to vent--and I need to do that because I care very deeply about my students' success. And please, if you are still in any of my classes--101, 102, 265--know that I see that you are clearly dedicated, hard-working, and worth every ounce of effort I can put forth on your behalf. Don't quit, don't give up--but come to me for help. I will do everything in my power to help you, I can't help you if you don't make that effort.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Quick update
I woke up--just because I did, not because of the alarm--at 5:30. Spent some time lying there, considering whether I might fall back to sleep and finally realized I probably wouldn't, so went ahead and got up to go to the seminar. I'm incredibly glad I did. It was fascinating, entertaining (the speaker was wildly funny, made me laugh out loud numerous times)--and very useful in terms of giving me things to think about to improve my pedagogy. I'll note more about it all later, once the main ideas have had a chance to percolate through, but truly, it was a terrific event. Every now and then, being "good" pays off in inexpectedly wonderful ways. Today was fine example of that.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
The panic begins
I got the 101 papers back to the students today: it was torturous to grade them (the best grade of the lot was a C+) but they're back in the students' hands (until they boomerang back to me in revision next week). I was gratified that several of them wanted to talk with me today after class (which was an event we went to, not me having to teach--and I was very proud to see that my students were taking notes and genuinely paying attention, unlike the student from another class who sat in front of me and played games on his phone the whole time). Still, I feel frustrated that it takes them this long to realize that they need help--and not only to realize it but to come get it. But I will give them what I can in the time we have left. Whatever despair I feel arises because I actually do care. I want to give up, but I won't--and days like today, when students come to me for help--trusting that I will give it to them--make me remember why I don't give up. As long as I feel like something, anything, is getting through, I keep trying, no matter how worn out and despairing I get.
In fact, I'm starting to get panic e-mails and calls from students in all classes, wanting to meet with me for help. One 102 student, whose paper is due on Monday, e-mailed tonight to ask if she could meet with me. Unfortunately, the hour before the revision is due is the only time I have. I did suggest she use the Writing Center--and that she contact me via e-mail for whatever help I can give over the weekend. I also met today with a student who was unhappy with his reading journal marks and his paper grades: I felt awful as we've tried several times to meet and I kept having to put him off--but we finally got together, and I think he has at least a trifle better understanding of what I'm looking for. Whether he can implement it in his work is another issue, but I again made the offer of help via e-mail. I hope he takes me up on it.
Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to a seminar on student apathy, which I very much want to attend, as I want to find ways to deal with it more productively. But the prospect of having to get up pre-dawn to get to the stupid thing on time is unbelievably painful (why why why do they start these events so fucking early??). I may decide not to set the alarm and see when I wake up: if it's early enough for me to get there, I'll go--or I may simply go late (though I really do hate to do that). I will ride tomorrow, regardless. The weather is supposed to be gorgeous, and I missed last week, so....
But I am falling over tired--and I haven't eaten dinner yet (need to get something healthier than trail mix into my body)--so this will suffice for today.
In fact, I'm starting to get panic e-mails and calls from students in all classes, wanting to meet with me for help. One 102 student, whose paper is due on Monday, e-mailed tonight to ask if she could meet with me. Unfortunately, the hour before the revision is due is the only time I have. I did suggest she use the Writing Center--and that she contact me via e-mail for whatever help I can give over the weekend. I also met today with a student who was unhappy with his reading journal marks and his paper grades: I felt awful as we've tried several times to meet and I kept having to put him off--but we finally got together, and I think he has at least a trifle better understanding of what I'm looking for. Whether he can implement it in his work is another issue, but I again made the offer of help via e-mail. I hope he takes me up on it.
Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to a seminar on student apathy, which I very much want to attend, as I want to find ways to deal with it more productively. But the prospect of having to get up pre-dawn to get to the stupid thing on time is unbelievably painful (why why why do they start these events so fucking early??). I may decide not to set the alarm and see when I wake up: if it's early enough for me to get there, I'll go--or I may simply go late (though I really do hate to do that). I will ride tomorrow, regardless. The weather is supposed to be gorgeous, and I missed last week, so....
But I am falling over tired--and I haven't eaten dinner yet (need to get something healthier than trail mix into my body)--so this will suffice for today.
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