Can't do it.

About an hour ago I realized I will not be able to get those papers back to my T/Th classes tomorrow. I feel sick about it, but I just cannot do it. In a minute here I'll get back to them, but I'm already trying to figure out what to do with the assignment that hinges on these returned papers when I don't actually return the papers. And I'm trying to figure out when it makes sense to look at the promotion folders for the two colleagues I'm supposed to be mentoring, before tomorrow's P&B. I won't get to anyone else, but I really do feel I need to do at least those two. I wonder what my blood pressure is right about now?

It was pretty painful in 229 today. The students were not merely devastated with the grades on their papers; many were angry. The emotion in the room was palpable--and very uncomfortable. In the past I'd have told them that these grades are a genuine appraisal of their ability to do college level work, and the problem is that no one has ever held them to that standard before. And I do believe that's true. But this time I was painfully aware that they were feeling shock, and shame, and despair. One student suggested that, since they've been writing papers since they were freshmen and getting better grades than I gave, the problem (of course) is my expectations and my assignment. Bearing their emotional state in mind, instead of defending the validity of my assignment and telling them that the problem is their lack of preparation, I said, "I'm teaching you something new. This is new, but it builds on what you have learned in previous classes: you can take what you've learned and put it to use in a new kind of assignment. I understand that it will be difficult and confusing at first, but it's my job to prepare you for the next level, and at the next level, you will be required to do this kind of work. What I don't get is why you were so confused, where the miscommunication happened so you didn't understand what you needed to do." She told me that the assignment was confusing, and I said, "So you needed to ask questions. I can't help you if I don't know you're confused, or why you are confused." Not the answer she wanted to hear, but true. She did ask why something was considered plagiarism (response: the lack of quotation marks around someone else's exact words), but other than that, she asked no questions of substance that might have helped her clarify what she could do better next time. (Because, of course, the problem is with me and my expectations. I'm just an insane bitch, obviously, so what would be the point of asking me for help?)

I could not get them to help me understand what went wrong in the previous assignment, but at least I got them to talk to me about their confusions and concerns for the next paper. I have no idea if they are any less confused--I doubt it, somehow. I think they were just too ashamed to try to explain what went wrong, even though I said repeatedly that I had some of the blame because I made assumptions about what they understood. The problem is talking in the abstract: they don't want to reveal their personal mistakes (which I truly understand), but they also need to see how their own papers didn't do what was required.

So I reminded them they can revise. I reminded them they can--and should--meet with me. I told them they can e-mail papers in progress to me and I'll give them feedback (though I won't read/comment on the whole thing). I told them I will do whatever I can to help them. I ditched the research portion of the next assignment. I postponed the paper: even though we have no class on Wednesday (Veteran's Day), I said they can bring their papers to me on Thursday next week: three extra days to work on 'em. We're going to have a tough, bifurcated day on Monday, as we'll have to finish up talking about the poetry and begin the novel--which will really throw them: if they thought what we've done so far is hard, wait until they start to grapple with Silko's Ceremony. Most of the students who last out the semester will eventually get it--and usually they end up liking it--but I freely admit, it's very confusing at first. I don't want them to be so miserable, but I won't compromise my standards: they do have to do college level work, no matter how hard and scary and shaming it is for them to try.

But I've felt sick to my stomach all day--since last night actually (some personal stuff mixed in there, too, which doesn't help). The 101 class went a little better: God I hope it goes well for my observation tomorrow. Going over the study questions I composed at least helped reveal what they misunderstood about the reading, so I could clear some of that up. As for the rest of their comprehension (or, more to the point, lack thereof)... fortunately, they don't have to use the Pollan essay for their next papers if they feel they understand the other essays better.

I'm just in a bad place today, emotionally. Not conducive to doing one's best work. But back I go to try to crank through a few more papers before my brains completely shut down for the night.