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THINGS HAVE CHANGED:

Since I am no longer a professor in the classroom, this blog is changing focus. (I may at some future date change platforms, too, but not yet). I am now (as of May 2019) playing around with the idea of using this blog as a place to talk about the struggles of writing creatively. Those of you who have been following (or dipping in periodically) know that I've already been doing a little of that, but now the change is official. I don't write every day--yet--so I won't post to the blog every day--yet. But please do check in from time to time, if you're interested in this new phase in my life.


Hi! And you are...?

I am interested to see the fluctuation in my readers--but I don't know who is reading the blog, how you found it, and why you find it interesting. I'd love to hear from you! Please feel free to use the "comment" box at the end of any particular post to let me know what brought you to this page--and what keeps you coming back for more (if you do).





Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Frustrating

I keep getting derailed today; I'm not sure why. I had a few simple tasks to accomplish around the time I needed to spend doing scheduling for Bruce, P&B, and my one class, and somehow none of it has gotten done. None. Part of the derailing has been caused by interesting conversations with Paul--including one about the Assessment bullshit that we're dealing with. I'm happy to have the conversations with him, even when it means he leaves and I find myself in the office thinking "Fuck! Now I'm behind!" Worth it, worth it to talk about anything with Paul.

But thinking about tomorrow's morning assessment meeting has me hyperventilating and very nearly in a flop sweat--and I don't have to do anything except explain to the rest of the committee what the hairball is. I'm having the anxiety reaction simply from thinking about the process I'm going to be explaining, and how utterly hateful it is, and knowing that my colleagues are going to be as miserable about it as I am. None of the displeasure will be directed at me, obviously, but I hate knowing that I'm about to do the equivalent of plugging all my colleagues into a socket--and knowing that I took on the task of my own free will. I am not (repeat NOT) going to do the hateful work that needs to be done, but I despise even thinking about it.

We actually talked about this in P&B, and that got me frazzled enough. The best part will be after the meeting, when I will have passed the buck quite firmly. I am being nominated as one of the people with the power to get into the new web program and edit our departmental information (which means I have to go through what is reported to be a dull and useless training session), but I'm not going to do the clerical shit. I'm hanging on to my role as a concept person only. And that alone is enough to make me sick.

Which, of course, begs the question, why did I take it on? I did because this is one of the places where I can try to mitigate the ill-effect of this administration on our ability to actually educate. I'm not putting my energy into the "activist" stuff; I'll do this. I understand what's at stake; I have a sense for how to head off the ugly shit and turn this (as much as possible) to our benefit; and I know how to do the tasks that must be done. But I hate like hell that the stakes are so complicated: not high for this one piece, but attached to things that are very high stakes indeed. However, as Bruce and I were saying, what can they do if we're late or inadequate with getting everything set up as has been mandated? They can tsk and point to us as the Awful Warning of a Department That Is Fucking Up, but anything else? Really? I don't think so. But I wouldn't bet the farm that they wouldn't possibly try something more. I'm not sure what, but nothing seems beyond the consideration of this administration. (Withholding pay? Knee-capping?)

Ach. Blech. Yuck. Enough.

A bigger concern is when I'll be able to find more time this week to work on those adjunct schedules. I am concerned that I may have made enormous mistakes already, and I think I have to go back and check my work before I go on: the departmental secretary already caught one howling blunder and pointed out a few smaller potential errors, and if I don't sort out any possible mistakes now, fixing them will get exponentially harder. But the process is more complex than I remembered--partly because I'm doing it alone (Bruce and I did it together last year, so he did some of the tracking as we went along and I did the rest; this time I have to remember all the recording steps solo), but also because I have to pay attention not only to days and times but to sessions: we have three summer sessions, one of which overlaps the other two, and I have to make sure faculty are getting courses in the session they want, at the times they want, and if they're in the overlapping sessions, that their courses don't conflict timewise. And yes, at this point, it's all done by hand. Nothing goes into the computer until the contracts are signed. The saving grace is that there aren't many courses--nothing like fall semester. But by comparison, doing the full-time schedules is simple and straightforward. Good thing.

After I finish this post, I hope I still have the energy to finish at least some of the work I had on my agenda for today. I do want to remind myself (always) of what is good--and the students in Native American Lit are the best. Today the second versions of their papers were due, and I read each paper aloud, commenting as I went along about what needed to be addressed for final versions. It was cool to watch the students whose papers were not being evaluated take in what I was saying about the paper that was. I even saw one student take a note or two as I was talking about her classmate's paper--and I did point out a place where one student should pick up an idea that another brought up. The papers were pretty good, too--still a bit rough, but coming along nicely. Lots of really good ideas, mostly very well expressed. All of them have A-quality ideas; the Shining Light also is expressing them in an A-quality way. There are still a couple of small bumps in her writing (which I didn't bring up today, as there were more important things to talk about; I hope I get the chance on Thursday), but generally, it's excellent. Fluent, cogent, insightful. I'm really happy.

It was also interesting to watch the senior observer taking notes as I gave feedback. She asked whether the students would be including the final pages of the novel (which we're finishing up this week) in the final versions of their papers (of course they will)--and at one point she jumped in to suggest a possible interpretation of what a student had written (um, no: it's the student's paper; let her tell me what she means)--but mostly she was well behaved and engaged.

As I've been writing, I've also been trying to get access to the assessment web thingy, TaskStream. My log in isn't working for some reason, so I have to try to get that sorted out. I want to be able to take a look at it before the meeting so I know what I'm doing when I show it to the rest of the committee (as my partner in arms in this battle will probably have to be late to the meeting--if he can make it at all). I'm breathing through this--and am actually much less fertutzed than I was when I started writing this post. And no matter what else happens, in 45 minutes or so, I'm going to dance class, which will shift everything in a great direction. Ahhhh, nice to have a life that has nothing whatever to do with work.

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