I'm so screwed...

I've given myself zero time in which to evaluate the first version of the final essay for the 101 students: I'm getting the electronic versions of the essays tonight, and I start conferencing on Wednesday. And of course, most of the students in the earlier section signed up for conferences during our class period on Wednesday. Fewer students from the other section even showed up with essays, and not all of those wanted conferences--but getting through everything I'll need for the Wednesday conferences is going to be a nightmare. My own fault, I know, but that doesn't make it any more tolerable a situation.

I did tell students that if I didn't get their essays today, they wouldn't get any comments at all in time for conferences; late essays mean no conference (though they'll still get comments if they submit by end of day tomorrow--just not until after the conferences are done).

And one student who is not opting for a conference asked me when he'd get his essay with comments. I wanted to say, "Whenever I get it to you, and be fucking grateful that I do this at all." But I didn't. I said, "As soon as I can get to it." Which is every bit as true, just without the mustard.

I managed to get the vast majority of the work for the SF class graded over the weekend--and did my self-fulfillment activities (riding and fiddle lessons). I had a few bits to finish up today, but I got that all done plus returned everything I had in hand for the 101s, so apart from the little bits I collected today, the decks are completely clear for me to grade those essays.

Still: it's going to be a Herculean task. The Augean stables have nothing on this.

Meanwhile, I am making my dear Paul completely miserable, as I keep talking about how I have to get the fuck out of here, retire ASAP. I do not want to leave behind the wonderful sharing that he and I engage in--of pedagogy, of professional and personal support--but the rest of the job is just wearing me down, as I keep saying here. I would like to stop banging that particular drum: it's getting tedious and repetitive even for me. But the feeling is there. I know that some of my present feeling about the job is colored by clouds in other areas of my life--including the political situation of this country, which is not fun for just about anyone right now. If I were more positive in other areas of my life, I'd be more positive about the job--or at least I'd have more energy to devote to it instead of feeling so sapped so much of the time. It's not just lack of sleep. Hell, the whole nation is sleep deprived; I'm not alone in that. It's the emotional weight from all the parts of life that are less than spiffy at the moment. And I'm not alone in struggling with that, either.

I know this too shall pass. Everything does. I know things will change, and likely for the better--eventually. I'm with Anne Frank: "I still believe that people are really good at heart." I know my life is filled with blessings, too--and this career, this job, this place are among those blessings, despite how much I complain. It's good to remind myself of the ways that being here is something to be grateful for, instead of the perpetual bitching. And the good goes well beyond my dear office mates, both of them treasures--though they are certainly way up there in the things I value about my job.

That's my homework for tonight: to remember the good, to celebrate the positive, to be grateful for the gifts. The hard work of tomorrow will be done tomorrow. Tonight, the decks are 89% clear, and that's good enough to go home on.