triage

I am in the position of having to make draconian decisions about what I have to not do, or do marginally, or do differently, or later. I've posted a notice to students that their marked papers will be on my door later than I originally said--and I'm still not sure how I can get them done in time. I HAVE to respond to my mentee's promotion folder by the end of the week. I HAVE to write up the observations (contractual obligation). I HAVE to look at the sabbatical folders that arrived today. (Friday I'll be in the office for sure; no ride for the forseeable future.) The huge steaming piles of old homework are going to get a cursory glance, just enough to give the kids some kind of credit for doing the work. Classes next week Wednesday and Thursday, cancelled so I can work on my promo folder (and it's going to be about quarter-assed as a first draft, not even half-assed). Reconfigured syllabus to come.

The skin of my teeth is peeling back, as are my fingernails, as I'm trying to hang on just long enough to get the worst/most of it done. I've been having panic attacks all day, and now am so tired I can hardly see (woke up, stressed, at 4:20, tried to go back to sleep but was on the hamster wheel of stuff I'm fretting myself sick over, and at 5 figured I might as well just get up). I have five more essays to have graded by 10 tomorrow morning; I really should try to squeeze at least one more out, but I just don't know if I can.

One positive note: I had the conference with Monkey Skulls today, and he was great. If he hates me and the class, he's doing a good job of covering it. I think he may understand that I'm not trying to make him miserable--but that he really does have to do what I am telling him he has to do. The only difficult conference was a student who said "I don't know," or "It doesn't matter to me," or "no" to every question. I finally told him that in college, he actually will have to learn to think, even if it is uncomfortable for him to do. And my job with him is done: I'm putting no more effort into any of his work unless I see something that indicates effort and some inkling that he gives a shit. If he doesn't, I sure don't. No time for that.

I can't even re-read this to see if it makes sense. I'm going to go home--take a few papers with me, just in case I get a fourteenth wind. If I don't manage anything tonight, I'll just have to hustle through tomorrow. Christ, I'm having another panic attack just thinking about it. My adrenal glands are sure getting a hell of a workout.