The T-shirt

It's become a joke with the 102 class I saw today, the fact that I should have T-shirts made to give to students who stay in my classes all the way to the end of the semester. Two possible slogans: "I Survived Professor Payne: Ask Me How" and "Prof. Payne's Class: Been There, Done That, Got the T-Shirt."

We had a blast today. I knew it would be a good meeting, but it was better even than I anticipated. What a great group of students they've been, and how I've enjoyed them. Lots of laughing and talking today, very lively. And smart. I got some good feedback. After years of resisting, I think I may finally be persuaded not to mark papers in red pen. I've had a dozen arguments for why I persisted in using red, but this group of students said that the color alone made them construe even my positive comments as negative. And since I do want them to think about the comments, not shy away from them as hurtful, perhaps another color is, at last, in order. Something to think about for next semester.

They were asking me if I got angry reading their papers, and I confessed yes, sometimes. (Lots of laughter about the fact that I swear over papers: several students said they wanted to check out the blog just so "hear" me cuss. I'm always tempted to let it all hang out when they ask me about that: "Do you swear? Really?" "Fuck yes. Like a fucking sailor.") But then I told them that we--well, many of us anyway--genuinely are deeply invested in their success and find it painful when they don't make the progress we hope for. I told them I get angry about the students who don't give a shit, but I'm frustrated and pained by the ones who are not doing the kind of work I want them to.

And then it was my turn to be surprised: they were genuinely upset that they might have disappointed me. Not deeply upset, I don't think--despite one young man's jokes about it, I don't honestly believe they're going to go home and cry over it--but still, they felt more sting from my disappointment and frustration than I thought they would. Many of them suggested that I say something about that investment in their success on the first day ("If I'd known, I'd have tried harder from the beginning"), but I don't think it would have the same effect. I think on the first day, it would sound like the kind of manipulative, touchy-feely BS young people are far too used to hearing from adults of all stripes. But maybe somewhere along the middle, once students have started to get to know me, it might have some effect.

It is true, too: it's not bullshit--though there is something slightly manipulative about strategizing when I might tell them how it feels from this end. Over the years, I have gradually learned to detach more from the students who manifestly don't care: God, how I used to agonize over them, trying everything I could think of to drag them into caring, but that effort was a drain on my energy for no results, so I've worked hard to let it go. But the ones that demonstrate even a modicum of caring, of attempt to improve? Yes, I am deeply and emotionally involved in their success. Which is why I do this instead of working at the Met.

**Sigh.**

The high of today's interaction with that group of students is starting to subside (and is followed by some sadness, as I realize I'm going to miss them). I have finished grading and number crunching for 229 and now need to turn my attention to tomorrow's end-of-day 102. I'm taking a petite brain break: even as I'm writing this, the back of my mind is figuring out a plan of attack. The only complicating factor for that batch of students is that I won't have their final self-evaluations until I see them tomorrow. Consequently, I need to get everything as far along as I can, so all I have to do is plug in that last number and do the final calculation--which means I need to have a copy for my own records, in addition to what I give the students. Hmmmm. Still, it's looking like I can still stay on top of everything heading into the weekend.

However, if this "petite" break goes on much longer, I'll get too tired and hungry to work productively, so off I go.