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THINGS HAVE CHANGED:

Since I am no longer a professor in the classroom, this blog is changing focus. (I may at some future date change platforms, too, but not yet). I am now (as of May 2019) playing around with the idea of using this blog as a place to talk about the struggles of writing creatively. Those of you who have been following (or dipping in periodically) know that I've already been doing a little of that, but now the change is official. I don't write every day--yet--so I won't post to the blog every day--yet. But please do check in from time to time, if you're interested in this new phase in my life.


Hi! And you are...?

I am interested to see the fluctuation in my readers--but I don't know who is reading the blog, how you found it, and why you find it interesting. I'd love to hear from you! Please feel free to use the "comment" box at the end of any particular post to let me know what brought you to this page--and what keeps you coming back for more (if you do).





Thursday, August 18, 2011

Calm before... well, you know the rest

Bruce and I got a few more adjunct scheduling problems sorted out, but he's nervous about next week: sections may suddenly get added, and we're close to the bottom of the adjunct pool, even with hiring a few people who were interviewed new in the spring. We may have more courses than we do faculty, unless we hire people sight unseen, just on the basis of a resume. I'm hoping like hell we don't have to resort to that, but what he tells me is that wild tempests will probably break loose next week.

That means I'm no longer relieved that contract signing happens on Wednesday and Thursday. I thought that meant I could take my trip without screwing Bruce up at all. Apparently, just because contracts have been signed doesn't mean we may not have to continue to pull adjuncts out of hats or our ears or other assorted orifices. I'd misunderstood some e-mail that had been circulated: I obviously read it too quickly, as I thought registration would close early. It won't. Students can register through August 31--which is the day before classes start. So I will, in fact, be abandoning Bruce right in the heat of things, dammit. I feel pretty shitty about that--but not shitty enough to cancel my trip. It's just that now, instead of assuming I'll have one day at home to relax between trip and start of classes, I'm prepared to come in and help Bruce, who by that time may be unable to think any more. (His hair's too short to tear out, or he'd be doing that, for sure.)

Well, I'm learning. I'm learning that if I'm going to keep this position, I need to be more careful about being available when Bruce needs me. He tends to be much too kind about telling me to go off and enjoy myself, and then he works himself into a froth trying to do work that by rights I should be helping him with. Ah hell. But as I said, I'm learning. I'm learning at what stage in each semester he will need me--but I'm also trying to learn to accept his kindness: if he gives me permission to absent myself from the process, I need to recognize that he is perfectly capable of saying "no," and therefore I can take him at his word and go without too much beating myself with cudgels.

In terms of my own classes, I'm in good shape. The knot I was fussing about the other day worked itself out--or at least I think it will work. Like any new process, I'll learn how to do it better by trying it out and seeing what works or doesn't. There are a few more handouts and assignments I'd like to get nailed down before I go, if I can, but it's not absolutely necessary. I have everything I need for the first few weeks, all copied and ready to go. I haven't done any more of the organizing of files (or my bookshelves) that I started, but I'm hoping I can get some of that done even once classes start, before homework starts coming in.

It's weirdly good to be spending this time in the office prior to the semester start: it will make the first day of classes a bit less of a jolt than it would otherwise be. Being here does feel almost frighteningly normal--but there's some comfort in that. The deep and ferocious resistance I felt about this job earlier in the summer has receded and is replaced with a calm "Oh, I can do this; no surprises here" sort of feeling.

Which may be about as good as it gets for me. Bruce was talking about some of our adjuncts who are in their 80s and teaching, and he said he figured he'd have to re-evaluate whether he wanted to keep teaching once he hits 70. I shuddered and said I hoped to retire long before that (if I can, financially, but that's a whole other story). In fact, I said, if I didn't need the money, I'd retire right now. He was surprised and said, "You wouldn't miss it?" Fuck no. There are things about it that I would miss, I'm sure--and I would certainly miss the camaraderie, unless I were doing something that gave me a reasonable substitute. But no, there are too many other things I want to do with my time, and even though I feel very passionate about this work, and want to do it as well as I possibly can, this is not what my soul yearns for. I might feel otherwise if I were teaching a different student body, or different subject matter, so that I'd have to engage more regularly in my own scholarship. But staying at NCC until I'm in my 70s, never mind 80s? Dear God, deliver me.

So, yes, that calm, confident feeling of "I know how to do this" is about all I'm looking for at present from this job. When I have those moments of joy actually reaching students, they're little bits of glitter, teeny treats, and I enjoy them utterly. But I don't expect them to sustain me: they're too few and far between. I do this and I do it well. That's enough.

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