I've seen faster snails...

I took my laptop on the train to Manhattan today, when I went in for a doctor's appointment. I had high hopes of getting two essays marked on the way in, two on the way home.

One. I did one.

I grant, I did a lot of futzing around with the format and phrasing of the rubric sheet I attach to each student's essay, but I really can't continue like this, or I'm going to be pulling all-nighters, or as close to them as my aging body and brain can handle.

I didn't get any more done after I was back out here, because life maintenance took precedence. This is one of those awful moments--all too familiar to me and to readers of this blog--when I realize that as much as I hate the fact that so many students fell into a hole over this first essay, it has saved me from utter, abject panic of the "How am I ever going to get all this done?" variety.

Fiddle lesson tomorrow: cancelled. I need the day to just nail my butt to the chair and my eyes to the computer and crank hard.

But I truly do feel like the world's worst teacher right now: I'm second guessing everything. Did I tell them X? Did I sufficiently emphasize Y? Did I go over P, W, and G well enough? (No, no, no, my inner critic says.)

On the other hand, one of my favorite students of this semester sent me an email today telling me how much he appreciates all I do and saying that all his friends are hearing about me. I don't think I've talked about him, actually. Mea culpa: this is because it's often easier for me to focus on the negatives than the positives. I'm not sure what nickname I want for him just yet, but he's one of those street-smart young men from a hard background who is deeply sincere about learning and doing well. I have a suspicion that his personal life has been a bit of a train wreck. For instance he told me on Wednesday that for nine months he thought he was going to be a father, but he and his ex-girlfriend--the mother of the baby--agreed to have a DNA test done, and he isn't, which breaks his heart on a number of levels, and he's now trying to figure out if he should stay in the ex-girlfriend's life, as he basically has been raising her first child (by another guy) for the past three years (essentially, all of the child's life). Of course, I do think, "Haven't they ever heard of birth control??" But more, I appreciate his desire to do right by the three-year-old child, a little girl, while he also works to better himself through a college education. And he's really smart. Marginally educated, but really, whip-smart. And he very clearly has a deeply open and loving heart, which melts mine. In fact, now I think of it, he reminds me of my nephew who died in 2013. No wonder I feel so fond of this young man in my class.

So, there's all that. And all I can do from here is get as much done over the next two days as possible. Wednesday is going to be the hardest day of conferences--assuming everyone shows up--as I have them back to back from 1:20 to 6, I think. Lord give me strength.

And Lord give me a good night's sleep tonight. I certainly deserve it.