It isn't that I work well under pressure...

Over the years, I've had to acknowledge that, essentially, I only work under pressure. If the pressure is off, I will do everything, anything, but work. I still complain about the pressure, mind you: that seems to be a requirement. Procrastinate until the pressure builds to a certain level (which varies); complain about being under so much pressure; get the work done; pressure is relieved; lather, rinse, repeat.

So, despite the fact that I could have kept working today to reduce the number of essays I "need" to mark for tomorrow's classes, I quit a little before 6 (and that was after having taken a nap). I didn't get much marked yesterday either. Now, I grant, I got all the essays marked for the earlier section of 101, but I haven't marked any for the 5:00 class--and I haven't touched the enormous stacks of homework I have to mark, nor have I looked at the discussion boards from this past week.

I still haven't received confirmation of the workshop I plan on attending on Wednesday, either, so I'm on the fence about whether to take the day off anyway or save the day (and the abuse of Paul as a sub for me). If I go to work on Wednesday, I can try to get all the homework returned to the students by then. If I don't, they won't get it back until a week from Monday--just before their essays are due.

But mentally, I've already checked out for the week--and the week hasn't started. This is not a good sign, and this is more than the usual procrastination. I'm getting the "I'm too old for this shit" feeling pretty profoundly, and the "can't I retire now" whine is getting very loud indeed.

I hope that being in the classroom tomorrow gives me a little energy buzz. I will have to get up extra early to get some work done in the morning before Advisement, as I really am determined to get those essays back to the students tomorrow; apparently the self-induced pressure just hasn't built sufficiently for me to keep pushing today.

It just occurred to me that part of what's producing the current level of malaise is the knowledge that I'm getting paid less than I have been for the evening supervisor gig--and I don't feel like I'm getting paid enough. The previous reduction didn't bother me so much, in part because it happened at about the same time I was promoted, so the increase in the "hourly" rate pretty well compensated for the reduction in the number of hours.  But this drop, I feel--and I've been feeling tired and cranky long enough that taking away even a little bit of the goodies makes me feel significantly put upon. The evening supervisor pay doesn't make a difference to any increase in my retirement funds, just how much I can salt away in savings (my "I'll need to buy a car eventually" money, mostly), but psychologically, it feels like being put on a celery and skim-milk diet.

Well, nothing I can do about that part of things for now--but I am monitoring the balance between my desire to have as cushy a retirement as possible and my desire to get the hell out before I curdle.

Wow. Grumpy day. And the essays weren't even all that bad, for the most part. Maybe an early night tonight will help improve my mood. That's what I'm aiming for, anyway.