Making a difficult Easter for myself...

I am going to have to be very firm about holding my adorable nose to the proverbial grindstone tomorrow, but I seriously cannot spend another moment wading around in my students turgid little minds (to borrow a phrase from Paul). After another student has proven herself guilty of multiple instances of plagiarism (and this time is trying to deny it), and a student was capable of reading about a child witnessing the bright flash of an atomic blast as evidence of "appreciating the beauty of nature," I just cannot stomach any more.

Not to mention the student who wrote, "Hudson wants his readers to appreciate nature and give it proper respect, for it has been on earth for many years and deserves gratitude."

As one of my Facebook friends said, "Maybe someone could send it a present, out of gratitude for being around so long. The period before was really rough."

My friend's comment made me laugh but still, do they even read what they've written? Do they think at all??

One of the rock stars is still AWOL. A bunch have just dropped off the radar. Several of those who are still valiantly "trying" are capable of complete inanities like the above quoted. What am I supposed to do to reach them? Can they be reached? Or am I just slamming my head against an impervious wall of intellectual torpor?

Man, I need a day with the SF students. They might be capable of making me feel there's some kind of point to all this.

I am already thinking of ways (further ways) to adjust the online Nature in Lit--including ditching a reading that I chose in a hurry and now regret, but also including adding some images that might help. I do think, at the end of the semester, I'll design an anonymous survey to ask things like, "Did you read the professor's 'lecture' notes?" "Is there a way for the professor to convey to you how to read a difficult text--since written instructions will likely be a difficult text?" One thing I will definitely do is make the "online courses are not easier than face-to-face courses" caveat much bigger and more prominent.

On the other hand, I am trying to make my own fun, as much as I can, by illustrating some of my comments. In frustration, I told them that they're using sledgehammers to "analyze" the texts, when they should be using archaeological tools.

                                         This, I said...

                                          Not this.

In my comments on their discussion of Louise Erdrich's "Big Grass," I wrote, "Guys. It's about grass."

I feel like I need the sledgehammer, but whether I should wield it to get their attention or to take care of my own misery is an open question.

In any event, tomorrow I will have to whip through all the homework for the 101 students as rapidly as possible, then get at least some of the papers for the SF students graded. I should use what's left of today to do one of the non-student-related tasks I must tend to (proofread those pages, read that journal submission, write up that observation), but ... nah. I'm done. Done to a turn.

"I'm so screwed" post number 10,483

I've lost count. How many times have I wailed about how screwed I am by the amount of work I've been pushing down the pike? How many times have I carried on about the fact that I'm staring at (in this case metaphoric) mountains of student work to hack through and my brain is completely out of gas, not even any fumes to keep it going?

Well, here's one more.

I'm very discouraged by the progress (or lack thereof) in the Nature in Lit class. The week before the break, only seven students posted. Another dropped today (that's three official, and two more ought to, as they haven't done any work in weeks). That's not counting the young man who plagiarized (and I have to say, reading a post that he legitimately wrote on his own, I can sure see why he was plagiarizing--though his emails have been coherent enough). Even one of my rock stars has been falling off the beam lately; he read a completely different text than what I assigned in one case (clearly reading out of something apart from our textbook). And I'm spending way more time than I want to looking for plagiarism: all my alarm bells are going off all the time.

And I'm encountering the problem that I have yet to figure out how to circumvent in that class: the assumption that every author is talking about the "beauty" of nature, even when the language very clearly is not about "beauty" at all, and about "appreciating" it, even in cases when the author might as well say, "I hate nature. Give me a city and electronic devices." I have to continually say (or write), read what's actually there, not what you assume will be there. Read the author's words, which contradict your interpretation.

I also have to say that I'm a bit stung by one student's response to my attempt to help her. Essentially, she said I was "overloading" her with work--especially since she has other classes (which, of course, is specific to her, not any of the other students in the class)--and that even doing what I suggested, she couldn't understand the reading, so ... she's withdrawing, apparently in a four-door Huff.

(Sorry: that's an expression from a friend of my ex. The friend said that a "huff" sounded like a European car, usually a sports model--a two-door Huff--but occasionally a full-sized sedan.)

I simply processed the withdrawal and cc'ed her on the email doing so. I didn't respond to her snotty whine at all. Yes, I know. I'm the evil bog monster from hell. I have insanely high demands. It's all my fault. (Grand. So, now, please fuck off to the left: it's right over there, you can't miss it.) (Raiding a turn of phrase, loosely speaking, from another friend.)

I'm also in a full-bore cranky mood because the break is almost over and I have not been sleeping as well as I'd like. Or, rather, I've been sleeping well but not as long as I'd like. I don't like feeling exhausted when I'm supposed to be recharging, but, there you have it. That's where I am right now.

But because of that state of depletion, I am calling a halt early tonight. I know this will make for a much more frantic weekend than would be ideal, but again: there you have it. Despite my running around waving my hands in the air about how screwed I am, I will get all the work done one way or another, because, well, I always do, not having much choice about it. And although the semester has been extended so I now have seven more weeks to get through, not six, the last of those weeks is going to be nothing at all significant. (I do need to find out if we have to report to Advisement on the make-up day. I bet we do, but I'm going to run it by Paul before asking the head of Advisement.) And then ... ah, to don my sea-cucumber garb and simply roll gently with the tides. Soon, soon. Tempus fugit, no matter what's going on.

Well, that was a day...

I was originally going to have a riding lesson today, the first in months--but I called it off so I could work on my classes. Turns out it's a very good thing I did. I just spent the bulk of the day constructing those last few weeks' worth of folders for the online Nature in Lit, which, of course, took longer than I anticipated.

The good news is, that bit's now done--scratch it off the "to do before it bursts into flames" list. Next on the agenda: grading two weeks' worth of discussion board posts that have been silting up. Oh, and providing comments for the student who plagiarized, as I'm giving her a chance to fix the plagiarism--but she has to do some actual revising, too.

Of course, I've barely touched the essays for the SF class, but I realized yesterday, those can go at (or near) the bottom of the stack.

And as I wrote that, I thought, "Oh, I almost forgot: I have to do a new schedule for 101." So I just did that--it only took a few minutes (and actually makes the end of the semester work better all around than the original schedule did).

So, still to be done over the break, the aforementioned discussion board posts for Nature in Lit, marking an enormous stack of homework for the 101, and grading the remaining essays for the SF students. Plus other not-class-related projects: proofing the pages of our literary journal that I've been assigned, reading and evaluating a paper for a journal. And life maintenance stuff. Taxes, primarily. I usually have them done long before now--and April is nearly upon us.

However, I think I'm stick-a-fork-in-me done for tonight. It is the break, after all, and although I could push myself to get the taxes done, I think I'll leave that for another day. I do have things going on the next three days--some social, some life maintenance, some a mix of the two--so I can't lollygag too long. I'm trying to find the balance between reducing anxiety by getting stuff done and allowing myself to simply fall into a stupor. And man, I cannot wait until the end of May, when I can spend two weeks going through my usual post-partum blues and sleep weirdness--and then fritter away yet another summer.

"...just from that?"

An incident from Tuesday I forgot to record but rather like:

Before the SF class starts, I always end up erasing another professor's notes on the black (actually green) board. I mentioned a week or so ago that there was a long email brouhaha over whether it's rude or interesting to leave one's notes on the board ... and I try to remember always to erase before I leave, but I don't mind at all when other professor's don't. (I do mind when a colleague pressures me to be out of the classroom instantly after my class is over--or when a colleague stays in the classroom until I have to come in and chase the person out because my class is about to start--but that's a different issue.)

In any event, on Tuesday, when I came in and started to erase the board, a student asked what the notes were about and specifically why there was a note about "torture seasoning." Another student more accurately deciphered the handwriting and said that the note actually read "torture / suffering" (and there was some hilarity about how seasoning could be torture)--but then the student who had been baffled and mildly disturbed by the notes asked again what they were all about. I said, "The notes are from an ENG203 class, American Literature to the Civil War; they're reading narratives by former slaves from both the 18th and 19th century and discussing the various themes that come up, and where the themes are the same or different--so the 'torture and suffering' are themes in the slave narratives." The student's jaw dropped. "You got all that just from that?" he asked. I said, "This is my field; this is what I do." It really wasn't a very impressive feat for an ostensible Americanist, but for the students, it was astounding, like a mind-reading trick. Nope, just years of grad school and having taught 203 a few times.

And I didn't have anywhere near the optimistic ideal of five hours in which to grade--and I didn't make any appreciable progress in the grading with the time I did have. (Some time was lost to a decision to sleep a bit later than I'd intended--since I didn't get to sleep until almost 2 a.m.; more was lost to cleaning up snow enough that I could get out of the driveway; a bit was lost to getting handouts ready for today's class.) So I moved the deadline for the revision of essay 1 and I told the students that, if any of them want their essays back with comments over the break, they should email me and I'll scan the marked essay and send it. I don't think I'll get many takers, but whatever. It's the best I could do.

In the "good news" department, the colleague whose class I was supposed to observe got back to me and agreed that postponing until after the break makes sense. Unfortunately, the student from Nature in Lit whom I had agreed to meet after the observation has child-care concerns, so I still have to hang out here and wait for her to show at 7--but after that, I'm free and clear.

My meeting with the student from 101 went fine; I hope she has a better handle on what she needs to do in order to do better in the class. And I had a lovely meeting with the other colleague whose class I observed, so I can now write up that observation. (Another "I hope I do this over the break" thing that probably will not get done over the break.)

One other snippet to report: for the second time this semester, I've gotten a pitiful email from a student in Nature in Lit saying, "I don't understand this story; can you help me?" Well, first, it's not a "story" per se--but ... and then I have to explain how to read carefully. This is part of what I was doing with the student from 101, explaining how to read. I realize that I automatically read on three levels at once--those of us who are pretty literate do: we see the "big picture," we see details, and we see how details fit into the big picture. Students who struggle with reading sort of see the big picture--or they only see details--but they can't make the connections to understand how the bits fit into the whole (which of course means they don't truly understand the whole). As I keep having to talk students through the process, I realize that it's actually a relatively tricky thing to do--but it isn't one I can set up for them because I'd have to do so in writing, and, well, you see the problem. They can't read and understand my explanation of how to read and understand. So, I have to wait until students come to me pleading for help--the ones who are smart enough to realize they need the help--and then explain it. In the case of the students from Nature in Lit, I confess I explained in writing, but I could use specific examples from the text each student was struggling with, and that, I think, gives them something to hold on to.

I also am apparently going to have several conversations with students who do not understand why they got the low grades they got on their essays. In one instance, the answer is, "because you didn't actually say anything; you just paraphrased the work you were talking about." (I might note that the paraphrase also often indicated that the student didn't understand what the author was talking about.) But getting them to understand that well written sentences that don't actually mean anything are not sufficient to get a good grade.

Ah well. Those meetings will be fun and frolic for another time. For now, I'm going to noodle until the student shows up, and when she's gone, I'm going to do a little life maintenance and then ... as my friend Szilvia jokes, I'll deluxe.

Posting may occur over the break--but don't hold me to it. If not, I'll be back here, blogging, in April. ("April": that has such a nice sound. "May" would be better, but "April" is better than "March.")

Oh, argh

Well, I spent about twice as long as I "should" have grading the essays for the Nature in Lit class. They're graded and back to students now, but I didn't even glance at the essays for the SF students--and I wanted to get those back to them tomorrow. I have 14 of them to grade. I'm meeting a student from the 101 at 1 tomorrow (she's struggling and we need to talk), and at 3:30, I'm meeting with the adjunct whose class I observed last week. Another student from 101 may show up during my office hour. (I also have another observation to conduct, and I'm meeting with a student from Nature in Lit about her plagiarism after that observation, so tomorrow is going to be a looooooong day.)

So, if I'm wildly optimistic, I have a maximum of five hours in which to grade them. That's three per hour, 20 minutes each. I "should" be able to do that--but even when I'm trying to be efficient as hell, I usually can only get through two in an hour.

Fuck fuck fuck.

The kicker, too, is I have no idea which students won't come to class; we have a late start tomorrow, operating on the assumption that roads will be clear enough that people can get to campus by 1, but a lot of students won't risk it anyway--and given how badly some of them drive, that's probably a good plan.

I sort of have a back-up plan in mind. It's a crap plan, but it's the best I can come up with right now. If I don't get them all marked--which is likely--I'll give back the ones I have done tomorrow, and the rest I'll scan and email back to the students ASAP. (I can hold back the two that were submitted to Turnitin late, and I think one student plagiarized, which makes grading her essay easier. Sadly, it's one of the students who comes regularly to the Monday salon, but, well, we can use the seminar hours appointment to talk about the plagiarism, and ask the other student to wait until we're done.) There may be one more that's just so god-awful it won't take long to grade--but I'm grasping at straws here.

The other kicker is, although I am caught up on the essays for the Nature in Lit, I'm way behind on all the rest of their work--again.

Well, this is what spring break is for. This, and constructing the weekly folders for the last few weeks of the semester. And reviewing an article for a journal for which I am a jury reader. And proofreading the section of the college's literary journal that I've been assigned. And probably about 4,000 other things that I'm blissfully forgetting. Oh, and there's P&B work, too. When I'll get to that is anyone's guess.

Now, however, it's late enough that I need to switch to self-care and evening wind-down as rapidly  as I can. There's something a little counterproductive about trying to wind down quickly, but such is the easy and privileged life of a professor in the trenches.

Another snow day. Good news? Bad news?

The snow day tomorrow is a mixed blessing. On the one hand, I can sleep late (and the heavenly choir sings), and I have the whole day to work without interruptions, which God knows I could use. As it is, I just redid the schedule for the online class for the rest of the semester, not only shifting the deadlines for work so students can do everything on the weekends but also giving the students more time to work on their second essays--and me a chance to get their first essays back to them. I'm going to end up moving the date for revisions of the first essay for the SF class, too, as I still don't have those essays back to them. And the snow day really bollixes the 101 assignment schedule. I emailed students earlier today telling them how the adjustments will work for the two weeks after we get back from the break, but I will have to then juggle the assignments for the rest of the semester.

Well, flexibility is good for ... something, I'm sure.

Today started with me having to replace my cell phone (not much of a story), but that set me back on time--and then I spent a lot of time reworking that Nature in Lit schedule and making sure the dates on the necessary online links were adjusted as well. In a face-to-face class I'd have done more juggling readings around to make the week when the essay is due lighter--but to do that for the online class would have meant completely reconfiguring the content of each weekly folder, which I absolutely do not have time to do. (And I just realized that I've been rather blissfully forgetting that I still haven't created the weekly material for the last few weeks of the semester. Note to self number 6,892.)

I also had to respond to two students who plagiarized--homework or essay (or both)--in the Nature in Lit. I decided to allow both of them to continue in the class, and I'm going to meet with one of them, because even when I presented her with the evidence of plagiarism, she said she couldn't see what she'd done wrong--and I actually believe that. It's been a number of years since she was in any English course, and she confesses that English has ever been a problem for her. So, teachable moment, says I. The other student? Well, I think he's a con man to a certain extent, but whatever. I don't have the energy to hassle over it. Take the zero; see if you can pass anyway. Moving on.

We had a relatively uneventful P&B, I'm glad to say (though there is some campus-wide brouhaha over the need to make up class days that were canceled because of the weather--a saga about the politics of this fucking place that I won't get into).

And then, class. And I have to say, I was a bit disappointed in the students today, as the majority of them had not done the reading--and even those who had been in class when I went over the set-up for the novel had pretty much forgotten everything I said. So, I re-explained (two major narrative lines, plus interspersed sermons and hymns; one narrative line in 3rd person, one in 1st; time jumps but this time signaled by dates--but those dates referring to an internal time structure, not a larger calendar; overlapping time setting with the first novel...), and then we did story time, with me reading aloud and stopping from time to time to get some of their thinking. (I made a joke about story time, too: everyone make sure you have your graham crackers and orange juice before teacher starts reading. I don't know if they had that memory--which actually was what we did either before or after nap time when I was in kindergarten (and each of us had a little rug to lie down on for nap time)--but they were obligingly amused.) I'm hoping they are better about being on track with the reading by Thursday. If not, I'll have to speak to them sternly.

But even with the majority of them unprepared, they still were lively and had a great time teasing each other and making jokes. Class chemistry. Can't bottle it; can't beat it with a stick.

Now, however, the building is all but deserted (OMIGOD! Sometime in the next 12 hours it might snow! Head for the hills, quick! Whoop Whoop Whoop sirens blaring...), and I'm not only falling over tired but extremely hungry. So I'm going to take care of both those things and hunker down for the night in the sure and certain knowledge that tomorrow will not only be another day; it will be a snow day.

Apres le salon...

Paul was teasing that I needed to have a supply of absinthe for my evening salon with my students. I really am having a blast with this--and in fact, they've now started showing up early and hanging out talking with each other until I'm here and ready. More rambling conversation about books, movies, TV shows, literary merit, personal taste in literature....

I'd love to get a few more students involved, but it's also fun just to chat, the three of us. (And it's making for good stats for my fulfillment of my seminar hours, which is all to the good.)

I did not, however, get any essays marked. One almost, but not completely. Dammit. I'd planned to allow myself to sleep in tomorrow, but I'd better not; I realized today with a dull thud that the next essay for the Nature in Lit class is scheduled for right after the break--which won't work if they haven't gotten feedback on Essay 1. Yikes and likewise zoiks.

I'd like to get the SF essays back to them, too, by Thursday (not a chance for tomorrow, not with the Nature in Lit essays still to mark). Note to self: say less. I keep forgetting that I'm grading lit essays, which do not have to be revised, and I'm commenting as if they're 101 essays, which do.

Knock it off, Prof. P.

Class today was pretty dull--as is getting to be the typical situation. The students didn't have a lot to say about the readings, which were, I confess, a bit thin in any event. But, improvising, I had them do a little brain-storming about possible essay topics--and I'm glad I did, as a few of them were trying to take on too much. By talking with them about their topics now, I was able to forestall some potential problems. Wednesday should be easy: they're bringing in their own articles, so I doubt we'll be there the whole class period--though I may have them start writing their essays right there in class, more to use the time than anything.

Or not. I may just let them go early and come back to the office to grind through whatever work has floated to the top of the triage list. (And that's another thing about tomorrow: I need to get the homework marked for the 101 students so they can get it back before the break.)

I'm going to end up with almost no one in that class. Ah well. The joys of the SF class make up for the plodding tedium of the 101.

And with that brief summation of the day, I am out of here, doing a little self-care for the evening, and recognizing that tomorrow will soon be today, and today will be yesterday. Which reminds me of Moondog. (You youngsters don't remember Moondog.) https://youtu.be/KH5PNRI0A8o

So, not very productive...

I got two essays actually read, commented on, graded, and returned to students. I returned the one that was plagiarized to the student--along with the notification that, because she also plagiarized one of her homework assignments, as far as I'm concerned, she's failed the class. I decided to hold off on grading the one from the student who plagiarized his latest homework and who may well have plagiarized an earlier quiz, as I've told him if I don't hear from him by Friday, he'll have failed the class.

On a slightly more positive note, the very good student who seemed to have fallen by the wayside is back; he wrote me in a panic last night, and sure enough, he's getting the work done today. I'm inclined to give him more of a break than I would normally, because his work has been so good, but I'm a bit worried about his essay; I hope it gets better, but the first two sentences didn't exactly fill me with enthusiasm.

I realize that's why I'm having a hard time getting through the essays; I'm seeing the same problems over and over. Personal response, no analysis, informal tone ... If I were meaner (and taught at a place where professors can get away with being brutal to students), I'd say, "You're just talking out your ass." But that's not very constructive criticism, I admit.

I just took a quick look at the intro paragraphs in the rest of the essays. A couple have the right idea. Sadly, the other super-brilliant student doesn't have the academic approach I think he should, but ... well, I'm hopeful that the rest of his essay is good.

Speaking of that student, I kinda fucked up in responding to his discussion board posts, responded too fast, wasn't thinking clearly about the essay he was writing about, blah blah. I shot off an email and immediately had to write a retraction; he wrote a rebuttal to my critique on the discussion board--and I did him the honor of acknowledging not only that he was right in what he'd said but also that I needed to be a little more careful and diligent in responding to his posts. He's working at a higher level than the other students--even the other super-bright one--and I need to do him the courtesy of thinking carefully before I whip off my comments. I'm thinking of my own experience as an online student, how frustrating it was that the professor didn't seem to value the level of my contributions. This young man is still working for his associate's degree (though he transferred credits from another college and had advanced placement courses to fulfill some requirements), but he's clearly very smart and well read on his own.

So, I may have gone too far in offering him an apology, but I'd rather be a bit humble and admit when I screw up. My points were not entirely without validity, but it felt right to give him the credit for good thinking--and for challenging me.

On a completely different front, I find that Daylight Savings Time is messing up my rhythms. Because it's light later than I'm used to (which would be the case anyway, as we approach the equinox, but the effect is increased by the "spring ahead"), I tend to work later than I "should"--in terms of making the segue from work into self-care. Now, for instance, it feels like I should still be revving the engines, but I need to disengage from work and wind down. So, I'm commencing that part of the day in 5, 4, 3...

Slightly better

I managed to get last week's discussion board posts graded for the online class--and I realized I'm not as horrifically far behind as I thought. I do have essays to grade, but not many, which, as always, causes mixed feelings in this professor. I feel very discouraged when a number of students don't submit a major assignment--such as an essay worth 400 (out of 2000) points--because I feel I'm not reaching them as well as I'd like. On the other hand, fewer to grade, right?

I've also uncovered yet more plagiarism. One student plagiarized his discussion board posts--and earlier in the semester I contacted him because it seemed his answers to one of the quizzes were plagiarized. He explained that away, and I accepted his explanation--but now I see I probably shouldn't have. It's bad enough when they plagiarize, but when they act all offended about it--how could anyone accuse them of such a thing??--or try to deny having done it, I get seriously ticked off. This young man is going to have to do one hell of a job persuading me not to fail him for the semester.

And a different student plagiarized her essay.

Ah, fuck. Ah well.

Also, somehow, the fact that they're submitting online seems to mean to them that they don't have to follow any kind of formatting for their essays. Well, they'll get the point deductions. They can erase those point penalties only if they actually revise: they can't just submit the same essay formatted correctly. If they're going to get a better grade, they have to work their butts off for it.

Meanwhile, one of the best students has suddenly gone AWOL. He contacted me to say he'd been ill and then missed the deadline for the essay; I encouraged him to submit anyway, and to submit his discussion board posts even if they were late--but nothing. I really hope I haven't lost him; he was great.

I was looking at overall grades, too, and I sort of hate the fact that one student has more points than anyone else--but her thinking is not that splendid. She's working hard and doing extra credit--but I'm probably being overly generous in the marks I'm giving her on her discussion board posts. She's doing well enough for a sophomore, but when I compare her work to the two men (clearly more grown up and further along in their educational process), she's not in their league--and yet she has way more points. I guess I can let her know that I've been pretty generous with grades on discussion board posts and that I'm going to get tougher--or I can just let it go, knowing she's doing well enough for this level. I used to be stingier with A's.

In any event, I'll start grading essays tomorrow. I'm not much looking forward to it--and part of me thinks maybe I should print them and grade by hand (as I don't get quite so carried away with comments when they're somewhat harder to write)--but we'll see how I feel about it tomorrow.

Which is, as you may not be aware, another day. Today, I am about to segue into my non-professorial mode. Not sure what I'll do with the evening, but no more work for the time being, that's for sure.

I gotta get out of this place

For reasons that are completely mysterious to me, I have spent the last 25 minutes noodling around on Facebook while still in the office. Prof. P, can't that wait until you get home--especially as, oh yeah, you have no groceries and you're falling over tired?

But in fact the "falling over tired" part is probably why I got sucked into Facebook. There is something wrong with my use of social media, I admit, but it is a sort of comforting blankie when I'm tired, frazzled, or whatever.

So: today.

In the good news department, I got all the reading notes marked before class--for the SF class. I'm still woefully behind on the Nature in Lit, but that's what this weekend will be for. I confessed to my fiddle instructor that I have barely practiced (and noodling on FB tonight effectively killed my chances at practice tonight), so we're canceling this weekend's lesson--which means I can spend time on both Saturday and Sunday getting caught up. And tomorrow, actually, would be good too. Yes: I'm that far behind. Having clear decks heading into the break would be a wonderful feeling--so I've got a week to get everything tied up until the next round of essays arrive. Oy.

But by then, we'll be well into the "hold onto the safety bar and scream" part of the semester.

Meanwhile, the spring work for P&B has just taken an exponential leap into "nobody panic!" levels: we have several zillion year-end evaluations that we have to mentor and for which we need to write up P&B evaluative statements, plus we have to divide up proctoring a survey that we have to administer to students (a Middle States report requirement). At least one of my classes has been tapped (I don't know which yet; I'm waiting for the letter that explains)--so another P&B member has to come to my class to manage the survey, and I have to go to other colleagues' classes....

And I just conducted one observation tonight and have to do another next week. Fortunately, I only have the two (it seems like every time Paul turns around, Cathy thinks he's agreed to do another), but on top of everything else, well ... I'll get it done, but all the more reason to get on top of the student work ASAP. In my usual attempts to bail on various requirements, I'd consider bailing on next week's department meeting--but part of it will be a mandated open P&B meeting, so it's rather important that I be there.

But all of this being trampled by geese, pursued by gnats, is part of why I feel like my fingernails are peeling back as I hang on, trying to get through this semester plus as many more as I possibly can. Today, William told me that I've been given a hybrid comp section for the fall (assuming that stays on my schedule, once Cathy and Paul have had to juggle things around); William's assumption was that I'd want to boot that back and keep the fully traditional comp, and I may, as I'm not entirely sure I want to figure out how to teach a hybrid comp section. (A hybrid is one day in the classroom and the rest online.) However, the temptation to keep the hybrid arises because then I'd only have to be on campus three days a week--as (again, assuming it stays on my schedule) I have the online Nature in Lit again plus Native American Lit face-to-face. That could be a thing of beauty and a joy for a semester. In any event, it bears thinking about.

And today's SF class was, as usual, pretty great. We sat in a circle, though really only the usual suspects had anything to say--and often were talking across each other: several times I had to say, "Wait! We have too many different conversations going on"--but that's a wonderful problem to have. Less than half the class had kept up with the reading despite the snow day, but we talked about the end of the book anyway (spoilers, but sorry: you didn't do the reading). And I got them set up for the next book--and they're jazzed about it. One student had a jaw-drop moment when she realized we've read three whole books already this semester--and we'll read two more. (And of course, part of what makes the class so great is that there are a number of them who read books anyway. I asked, "How many of you have read three whole books before"--hands from the usual suspects--"and how many have read three whole books in this amount of time"--same hands in the air. But a few looked like I'd just hit them upside the head with a 2x4. No shit, man: you've read three whole books--and you're going to read another two before the end of the semester.)

But I've been thinking about it, and--despite my desire to teach Le Guin and all the good reasons I have for including it (despite the fact that it does not fit thematically with everything else) plus all the materials I have for it--I think, if I teach SF again before I retire (who knows?), I may change the reading list: instead of Androids, teach Island of Dr. Moreau, and instead of Left Hand of Darkness, teach Paolo Baccigalupi's The Windup Girl, which fits thematically and goes even further into "cli-fi" territory, which would be good.

The mantra again arises: we'll see. One semester at a time--and I still need to get through this one. And I have a shitload of work to do to get through this weekend. So enough blogging, and enough noodling in the office; I'm going to pack up and head out. And we all know what tomorrow is (besides Friday).

Our poor students...

With sad regularity, I am reminded of how very difficult the lives of our students are, almost without exception. Most of them have at least one strike against them, and many have multiple factors in their lives that impede their progress.

Today one of the older adult students in the 101 class showed up late and was hovering in the doorway, clearly wanting to talk to me in the hall. I told him no: he could wait outside or join the class, but I wouldn't talk with him until class was over. The class discussion was actually kind of fun (though it ran off down a couple of pretty convoluted rabbit trails until Prof. P skillfully brought it back to the reading at hand), and after class, I handed back work--and had time to talk with that student. I started out by being a bit stern with him: his essay submission had been a disaster, completely misunderstanding what he needed to submit, and I asked him what was up. He tried to explain, but then he said that he was having a hard time--and his voice broke. His wife recently had a miscarriage, at five months. He kept tearing up but was trying to be clear and strong. He'd already met with a grief counselor, and he'd been advised to get an excused withdrawal for the semester (meaning he'd have to withdraw from all his classes but the record of the semester would be expunged, so it wouldn't affect his transcript, GPA, or academic standing in any way). I told him I thought that was the best possible plan. He wanted to talk with his other professors first, before making up his mind, so I didn't sign the form for him then and there (though I probably should have). However, I did tell him that if he decides to continue in the class, we'll have to have a serious conversation about the work he needs to do.

I won't lower the bar for him--he has to do the work if he wants to pass--but nevertheless, my heart goes out to him. Up until recently, he's been trying very hard (not doing well, but trying like crazy), and he's clearly dedicated to the self-improvement he would gain from being in college. But ... well, he's a grown up, working a full-time job, with a family, trying to go to school full-time as well, and now this great grief on top of everything.

I admire these students; I truly do. It takes great strength to do what they're doing--especially in the situations so many of them are in. I've had students tell me they were trying but were living out of their cars; I've had students tell me they were trying but their only surviving parent was hospitalized and dying; I've had students tell me that they'd just found out they were pregnant and had been kicked out of the house by their parents and had nowhere to go; deaths (even murders in two cases), homelessness, health crises, legal trouble (including possible imprisonment), substance abuse (their own or their parents), poverty, hunger...

Let's face it: a lot of them have more important things to deal with than writing a good college essay.


It feels crass to shift gears from there to the mundane, personal level, but tonight's planned steak blow-out with Kristen, Paul, and William has been postponed. Instead, Paul and I will go out for much lighter fare (and continued conversation). When will I do the big grocery shopping I need to do? Heaven knows. (I have to do an observation after class tomorrow, so that makes for a late night and means I'm unlikely to want to take the time to get to the store after.) When will I get caught up with grading stuff? Oh, end of May is a good guess. When will I stop having anxiety attacks about all this? We'll see. Theoretically the breathing practice should start to make a difference on that within the next few months, assuming I keep up with it.

Now, however, it's time for me to grab Paul and head out. Talking with a good friend is always helpful, no matter what the problem.

Yet another of those mouse plans

My plans for today certainly went agly: I didn't even quite finish the grading of stuff for the 101, which I really did want to get done, but ah well. I just spent a while hurling together essay topics for the final essay for Nature in Lit; I have no idea if they make any kind of sense, but that's a good thing done. Or done-ish. When I send it to the wonderful librarian who is helping me put together a research guide, I asked her to let me know if any of the ideas just wouldn't work; I'd be happy to let the research guide the topics.

I have no idea how to prioritize the work I need to do for the next two days: both the SF and the Nature in Lit students need to get work back from me ASAP, and I'm not sure who's been getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop longer at this point. (Probably the Nature in Lit students, but ... well, I tend to put more time and energy into them than I should. It's that whole keyboard and my fingers thing: usually once I get started, it's awfully hard for me to stop. Witness the length of the usual post on this blog.)

Well, tomorrow will tell, I reckon. For now, I'm going to practice fiddle for the first time in almost two weeks (that will be, um, interesting), then practice my Coherence breathing (it sounds funny to say I'm going to practice breathing, but, well, that's essentially what I'm going to do), which will initialize the glide into relaxation for the night.

I probably won't post tomorrow, as I'm going out for a steak blowout with Paul, William, and Kristin--or if I do post, it will be very brief. Tonight's post is, I know, uncharacteristically short, but I've been nailed to this chair long enough, and I've rebounded off the wall a couple of times already. That's the signal that it's a good moment to allow the work and posting to trickle to a halt.

Jiffy-quick

I have about three minutes before I have to head off to my Monday physical therapy appointment, but I haven't posted in a while, so I thought I'd take advantage of the few minutes I have.

It was extremely difficult to transition from the weekend workshop to being back in professorial mode--and dealing with this place, as I now have started to call it (or, frequently, this fucking place). Poor Paul got a major dose of Grumpy, Gloomy Prof. Payne operatically saying how miserable she is when I first arrived. I don't know quite why I was in such a profoundly negative state, but I talked to him some about the weekend, and that helped resurrect some of the more relaxed, receptive, positive feelings I'd gathered up over the three days of the workshop.

I think part of my grumpy gloominess was because I realize that I really do want to shift from teaching what I teach here to teaching the Breath-Body-Mind techniques I'm learning, not only because the practice is so good for me but also because it's so very different--and in some ways so easy to teach. (Not in every way: Drs. Brown and Gerbarg are very careful to state that we have to really know what we're doing in order to teach this stuff, as it can have unexpected negative effects on certain people in certain circumstances.) And also, I don't have to grade anyone; I just evaluate to try to help improve what the person is experiencing. If I could do that more with my students in my classes, I'd be happier.

The 101 was a little more interesting than usual. There were only eight students (and one left early), so we sat in a circle instead of doing groups--and I did a lot more directive work, pointing out things in the article we'd read, as well as facilitating discussion. One student always, always, comes up with an argument against whatever is going on: I think I'm going to start calling her the Advocate--not a devil's advocate, as she isn't simply bringing up an opposing view to test the strength of an argument she agrees with; she genuinely is challenging. But, I mean, she challenges everything--including when I was praising her for issuing the challenges.

I have more to say--and perhaps I'll say some of it tomorrow. To my infinite relief, we have yet another snow day (and it is hitting a different day of the week, so it won't affect the comp class but rather the SF class), but this time I truly am going to get work done, as much as I possibly can. In fact, I'd really like to have the decks completely, utterly clear by dark tomorrow night. Don't know if I can do it, but I am certainly going to try. None of this lounging about napping stuff: I am invested in some stress relief, and getting stuff graded and out of my hair would alleviate a lot of stress.

And now I'm going to alleviate some more by going to PT.

Oh, I'm going to regret this come Monday...

I didn't get much done at all on our snow day--which comes as no huge surprise, actually. And I didn't get anything done yesterday, as getting ready to travel and getting myself upstate took most of the day and a lot of my energy.

And I'm realizing now that it's highly unlikely I'll get anything done this whole weekend. I "should" be working now, but instead, I'm trying to figure out where I can get a decent meal--and feeling the delicious but profound effects of the Breath-Body-Mind work I've been doing since 9 a.m. Tomorrow we'll finish for the day at 5 (maybe 4)--and at least I'll have a better sense of food options at that point, but if I'm realistic? Nah, I'm not going to get anything done. Certainly nowhere near what I "should" do to alleviate stress in the week ahead.

But I'm more concerned with alleviating my stress now, this weekend. So, although I brought the work with me (and did check to see that the submissions from the students in the 101 class were complete), it's looking like I'll schlep it all back home with me on Sunday, essentially untouched.

Well, one way or another it will all get done. It always does.

But I have to say, I'm getting increasingly excited about the prospect of switching  my teaching from my academic discipline to the integrative breath/movement/meditation practice I'm learning about here. I'll spend two weekend in April on this (probably, again, thinking I'll get work done and then realizing, nope, not gonna happen), and that's just the start of the journey. I love teaching anyway (the actual teaching part that it), and this is something that also is extraordinarily good for me, too. The opposite of stress-producing. There's a potentially exciting connection out West, too, as a post-retirement option. So ...

I know I've been assigned two electives again for fall (assuming Cathy doesn't change the schedules for some reason), so I'm sure I'll get that far. That puts me at 62. Moving to Montana in the middle of winter probably isn't the best plan, so I'm pretty sure I can make it to spring 2019, as I've been saying. But the more viable the post-retirement work seems, the more tantalizing the prospect of full retirement becomes.

That's not now, however (much as I might wish it were). Now, I need to find healthy food to put in my body and then get some much needed sleep (so I don't fall asleep during the meditation bits tomorrow). Life's just pretty interesting--and generally, pretty wonderful (or so it feels at the moment; I'm going to want to remember this when things get nasty on campus again).

Oh, so very tired

Last night, a migraine appeared as I was in physical therapy. It lasted most of the night (not conducive to good sleeping), and today I've had the lingering echo of it--along with the general feeling that the synapses in my brain aren't lining up quite right. I get a little bit of what I've started calling "migraine aphasia": words will arrive eventually, but there's often a long pause when I'm speaking while I wait for the word to turn up. (You know, words like, "novel," or "door.")

Nevertheless, I persisted: I've been knocking off some bits and orts around the edges, getting handouts ready, posting the critical sources I'm suggesting for the Nature in Lit students for their second essay (which involved figuring out a better way of getting print articles scanned into PDFs for posting--our jazzy new copiers in the mailroom, thank you very much), that sort of thing. And class went fine, as I've come to expect. In fact, I had to haul them out of the rafters a bit; they were having such a good time talking in their groups that they weren't listening to each other or to me, losing the thread of the main discussion. Some good stuff going on, though, understanding some of the social critique in Atwood's novels.

And I just like them, as a group. Plus, the student who didn't make it last semester decided to pull the plug early this semester and withdrew today. Good choice. (I didn't understand why he was back in the class, especially when he saw that I was the professor, but, well, there you go.)

Now, I'm sort of hanging on by my fingernails, waiting until it's close enough to 7 p.m. that I can take off. In a wonderful development, the admin has already decided to cancel all classes tomorrow, so I get a much-needed snow day before I head upstate on Thursday (and if the storm timing is as planned, the roads should be clear by the time I head out). I am, of course, deluding myself into believing that I may get some work done tomorrow and over the weekend when I'm away, so I'm schlepping a shitload of work home (and I'm almost caught up with the Nature in Lit class, just one quiz to grade, hooray). At very least, there's some housekeeping sort of stuff I can do. For instance, I just realized that I haven't been keeping up with recording which appointments have been kept for seminar hours (both in terms of the conferences I had with the 101 students and in terms of the actual mentoring I've been doing with other students). So that's something I can do from home, and it will give me the illusion of making progress.

I actually hope I do get some stuff done tomorrow, but mostly, what I want is sleep. Lots of it. A day in my bunny slippers (metaphorically speaking), watching the snow and snoozing. Absolute bliss. I'm probably happier about the snow day than my students.

late, from home--but too good not to mention

I was feeling relatively grumpy about my professional life in general (OK, about life in general)--and I had to remind myself that the experience I'm having with my 101 is typical for spring 101s (which is why Paul and I used to "wash with the tide" and teach 101 in the fall, 102 in the spring). There were ten students in the class today, four of whom had not done the reading. I admit that I changed the schedule, and one of them wasn't in class last Wednesday when I made the change, but everyone else was there, so, no excuses.

Some good points, and, from the formerly basic ed students, some significant misreads--but the Not-So-Cowardly Lioness simply said, when I pointed out a misread, "Oh, so I got that part wrong," and then she sailed blithely along, no panic, no self-castigation. That was a good thing.

But I went back to the office thinking, "Well, I'm just not going to make myself nuts over it; this will be a pretty boring semester in that class, but I have the others." I'm still playing catch-up with the Nature in Lit (dammit), and I was deeply engrossed in trying to get caught up when a student arrived: she's in the SF class and she'd signed up for mentoring. She didn't have any agenda; she just wanted to find out what mentoring was like. I was chatting with her when my regular student from the SF class showed up for his mentoring appointment--so I just invited him in to join us, and the three of us sat in William's side of the office (more comfortable chairs) and essentially just talked about whatever until I suddenly realized that I had to go to physical therapy (and the official time of my mentoring hours was up). I chased the students out (and was late to PT), but ... well, it was fun. It was just cool to hang out with them and talk.

And I think I'm going to suggest a class outing--optional, and outside of class hours--to see Annihilation, which I'm very curious about. The young woman I met this evening said she'd be up for it, even if it was just the two of us. I bet I can get a few more students lined up. I'll try to look into that tomorrow--on top of the 10,000 other things I want to try to get done. And I don't want to set an alarm (so tired it hurts), but ... well, time is at a premium.

Well, whatever. Right now, it's almost bedtime and I haven't had dinner yet, so  off I toddle...

Oh, so cranky...

I'm sure it's partly because I'm so tired, but man was I ever cranky with the SF class today. I got relatively testy about their endless speculations--and how they get distracted by things that will be explained and forget to pay attention to what's happening right at that particular moment in the novel. I also got a bit grumpy about the "everything happens because Jimmy's parents weren't good parents" explanation. Life isn't that simple, and neither is literature.

I'm feeling relatively swamped by work, too: I don't know what I was thinking when I chose due dates for essays, but I have two classes' worth already and I'll be getting essays from Nature in Lit next week. Oy gevalt.

But back to the SF class: despite my being a bit short with the students, I think the class went pretty well. And I need to remember to be grateful for how well they're understanding what's going on, because even though they're confused on some levels, they're getting a lot of it absolutely right on.

Of course, I did have to distribute the "Grade Warning" sheets I give out (knowing that most students won't check their email to get the official Academic Progress report). The Brit is in danger of failing. So is my former student (and I'm getting sick of telling him that--so from now on, I won't bother; he'll either pull himself together or he'll fail).

And I seem to have lost one of the best students. I hope not: maybe she's just hit a snag and will return, but I haven't seen her for a while, and she didn't submit the essay, which worries me.

After class, I sat here and did some record keeping: updating the grades for the Nature in Lit students, filling out the official Academic Progress reports online, answering emails. It's a good thing I'd already decided to bail on yoga class tonight, as I didn't even realize how late it was until it would have been way too late to go. I'll lose two classes out of a series I bought (which will expire before I can use the rest), but ah well.

I've watered the plants, checked email, packed my tote bag with way more work than I will do, I know, but ... well, apparently I like to believe that I will actually create a miracle and get everything done over the weekend, despite my absolute knowledge that I won't look at most of what I'm schlepping home until after I've schlepped it back to campus next week.

There's a big storm on its way here tomorrow. I'm not sure whether to hope it prevents me from going anywhere or whether to plan on going despite the forecast high winds. If the power stays on, there can be something very cozy about a storm day at home, reading and drinking tea.... and posting to the blog, if I actually do any work.