Is it over yet?

Days like today, I AM SO FUCKING GLAD I'M RETIRING, I hardly know what to do with myself. In fact, I'd almost want to retire as of the 31st of this month, were that an option.

We uncovered at least three full-time faculty schedules that are in violation of contract requirements regarding ratio of FTF and online courses--requirements that are, I grant you, problematic, given the paucity of courses to assign FTF and the proliferation of courses offered online (or partially online, which "count" as online classes in those parameters). My dear Paul was one person whose schedule was problematic, but because he is a sweet and understanding human being, he was fine with the change we had to make to his schedule. Another faculty member was much less understanding, though her schedule was infinitely more problematic. And yet another we have yet to hear from about the changes, but I'm imagining some huffing and dudgeon (perhaps only middling, not high) from her as well.

And we will have to go back through and try again to find courses to hold for a few faculty whose courses may not run, as what we were holding for them we had to give to solve the problems referenced above.

On top of which, we have adjuncts who are nudging to know their assignments (though they should know better) and who are cadging for more classes....

And my own classes are still in danger. Both of the electives. I'm fortunate that the class being held for me hasn't been monkeyed with (yet), but that may yet happen.

As a result of all this pouring oil on troubled waters and fancy dancing, I am both tired and wired and so cranky I should come with a warning sign. "Do not poke the professor." "Stand back 500 feet." "Caution: high voltage." Two friends wanted to talk and be friendly and I had to resist the impulse to tear their heads off. Don't ask me how I am right now, as I am only aware of being systemically pissed off. Don't ask me when I'll be free to do something fun; I'm likely to reply, "NEVER," and slam the door (metaphorically speaking). To be honest, I don't like this in myself and am trying to learn more calm, open ways of being. In truth, I am fine, and the pissed-off state won't last long. In truth, I am in fact available to have fun in a couple of days--and I will be very happy to have something pleasant planned with a good friend. And I really don't need to spew my venom all over the place because I am momentarily rumpled by the current state of events.

So, I breathe, and blog, and breathe some more. It's all fine. These problems are insignificant, in the grand scheme of things. Life is very, very good indeed--and I will be free of these particular problems soon enough. The only thing I know for sure is that there will be problems--because there always are in life--but life will continue to be wonderful, including the problems, not despite them. Life will be different, and challenging, and rewarding, and filled with reasons to be grateful.

Ah, there. That feels much better inside my skin. I'd far rather feel happy and calm than tense and cranky. And it really is up to me how to feel about things. My choices. All are my choices. What happens to me may be beyond my control (though I think we control more than we realize simply through what we anticipate and prepare for), but how I react to what happens is entirely my responsibility. I like the inspirational video on that subject that I saw on Facebook the other day. The speaker points out that the word "responsibility" is made up of two words: response and ability. If you have the ability to do something, you can take action based on your ability in response to whatever happens. I also like Le Guin's take on the word (expressed in the wonderfully weird story "Ether, Or"): being responsible means you have to answer. Call and response, ability and choice. Maybe that's a bit too crunchy granola, but I like both ideas.

And I have a responsibility to bring more peace and happiness and calm into the world, for myself and for people around me. Breathing helps, but so does remembering that I have that ability, that I can make that answer.

I realize, writing this, that my work as a teacher is simply shifting focus--and not just in terms of the very specific training in Breath-Body-Mind but also in terms of teaching myself, and bringing a different kind of teaching into my everyday approach to life. Everything I've just written has nothing to do, really, with me as an English professor--but everything to do with me as a person who professes to care about the world more generally.

And, channeling the spirit of my other guru, Scarlett O'Hara, tomorrow is another day, and I can think about all the scheduling bullshit tomorrow, when I'm stronger. (And as God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again--but I'm not talking about hunger in the body but hunger in the mind and soul.) So, until tomorrow, my friends and faithful readers.