Breathless

Anxiety? Exhaustion? Both probably. I actually, literally have felt breathless most of the day today--and I've been on the run, so it's not terribly surprising. This is the first moment I've had since 9:00 this morning to sit still and not be working (or going to and from routine doctors' appointments). I even ate my lunch while I was marking student assignments. I was chasing dropped pearls all over hell and gone all damned day.

(For those of you new to the blog, the pearls reference comes from my ex, who described working with a harried and disorganized director as standing next to someone whose strand of pearls has just broken. That image of someone standing in a helpless panic while pearls fall to the floor, bouncing in all directions and rolling off into mysterious places and dropping through the cracks, feels perilously apt at times. Like now.)

I do have to bitch a little. I encountered a few of my least favorite things today.

1) Students who whine about continually getting low grades without ever coming to me to understand what they can do to improve--and then who jump on me at the end of class as if I can solve the problem for them in 35 seconds or less. Make an appointment to come see me, dammit. Take a little fucking initiative to learn something.

2) Students who say, "It was a short poem, so there wasn't anything to say about it." Same student, frequently, as the one who is whining about the reading journals. (That was the case today.)

3) Students who come to class and promptly fall asleep--and then, when I say, "Clearly you're not really here today, so you should go home," say, "I was listening!"

4) Students who say, "So if I get C's all semester long, at the end I'll get like a B-, right?"

5) Colleagues who either do not check or do not bother to respond to e-mail. Or official notices left in mailboxes. Who must be called, individually, to confirm, say, an observation time.

OK. Now that that's out of my system, here's a list of things I like:

1) Having a lot of students want to see me, talk to me, after class. Sometimes I have to shoo them away (because I have to get here, for instance), but I love knowing they're reaching out--even the ones who are whining and have yet to set up an appointment to see me. And some were there just because they didn't want to let go of the class, the contact, the chance to learn. So cool.

2) Saying to a class "We're out of time," and seeing them look up, startled: "Really? Already?" It's happened at least twice with this T/Th 102, and it happens because they're so willing to dive fully into the work.

3) Classes like today's, in which I got even more helpful feedback on this process of draft and revision that I'm trying out. I will be frazzled next week, getting papers marked and back to the students in such a quick turn around (and with observations to tend to as well), but then they'll have to do the heavy lifting for a week and I can tend to other business (like writing up those observations and doing more).

4) Getting a schedule with two (!!) electives and knowing I can ditch one section of comp because I'll be here in Advisement. If both electives run (a gargantuan "if"), I will be teaching Nature in Lit, Native American Lit, and one section of 102. And that would be utter bliss. This is the one and only case in which I don't mind having three different preps.

I do have to remember to alert Bruce and Allen that if, for some reason, Nature in Lit doesn't run, I don't want another class at that hour. (I hate that particular section: 9:30 on Monday and 10 on Thursday. Ick.) If that happens, Id rather reclaim the 102 I'm throwing back into the pool. Doing so would necessitate a shift in when I'd work in Advisement, but that I can wiggle around until it fits well enough. Note to self.

I'm going to buzz out of here the second my Advisement time is up, so I can drive homeward and drop my car off in the shop tonight instead of having to get up early in the morning to take it in. I feel unduly frantic, knowing I won't be going back to the office to decompress for a while, even though I'm pretty sure I packed up everything I might need for the weekend. I actually am--I think--pretty much on top of things. I keep getting e-mails about stuff I need to do for ASLE: I don't need to do them immediately, but just the fact that the bits and pieces keep getting added to the pile adds to my feeling of flurry and anxiety. Still, I hope I can leave that frantic feeling here on campus when I go. Looking at things objectively, it's poised to be a fine weekend: ride tomorrow (with former student now cat sitter), dinner with a good friend on Saturday, some work to do but nothing horrific. And if I don't get it all done, it will just mean a little extra spill-over into the first of November but not a catastrophe.

So breathe, Payne, breathe. And let go.