Sufficient unto the day

I got online an hour ago thinking I'd check e-mail quickly before blogging. I've spent the last hour responding to colleagues and students about pressing issues. Among them, I had to respond to a request for a meeting from a student who received a harsh (possibly too harsh) comment about his lack of revision and who is now feeling physically ill with self-castigation.

I know this young man: he was in my 102 last semester, and is retaking the course, specifically from me, because he truly wants to learn--and to prove to himself, as he said, that he can do what I am asking of him. I know, therefore, that he is genuinely and deeply distressed about his paper, and I am not happy with myself for my choice in how to comment. I did want to light a fire under his ass; I did not want to actually hurt him, and I think I did. This is a lesson in learning to question rather than to assume a stance from the student. Mr. Trying Again did not intend to be dismissive of my comments nor was he being arrogant--nor lazy--about his work. However, this is a situation in which he is having to recognize the difficulty of genuine change. He said he didn't see anything that needed revising, which makes me wonder how he understood my comments on his paper. I need to figure out what broke down between what I thought was a clear directive about work that needed to be done and his equally clear (to him) sense that nothing more was needed. Somehow what I thought I said and what he thought he heard didn't connect. I need to figure out why not.

I confess, this is part of my job that I find emotionally dicey but equally fascinating: I want to understand how students' minds function, what they see and how, where their blockages are and where they understand things clearly. I also need to continually refine my awareness of how my own assumptions: they do not see language, ideas, processes the way I do, and vice versa. Trying to figure out how to present the material to them in ways that they can more readily apprehend is something between a linguistic exercise and psychology. Probably with a little sociology thrown in, too. Fascinating but extraordinarily difficult. And when I make an error, it is upsetting for the student and, frequently, for me, too.

I need to meet with another student from that class: I'm struggling with what to give her for a grade on her paper. She truly worked hard on revising, did not stint one iota on the process--and the ultimate product is a bit of a mess. She has good ideas, but they are very confusingly presented. If I had gotten the paper cold, not having seen any of her process, I would mark it as a C. But I gave her a B- for her first version, so I don't want to, in effect, punish her for doing what I directed her to do. I want to explain my dilemma to her: I find that often, when I talk it out with the student, my own options become more clear, and I am able to find a solution that I can't come to by thinking it through on my own.

I wonder if students are aware how much they are my collaborators in my ever-evolving pedagogy. Probably not. But I sure am. I'm in a perpetual feedback loop: try this, take their responses and work as a reflection of how well the attempt worked, adjust, try again, and repeat ad infinitum. (Which reminds me: I had a realization about a problem with my wording of the mini-paper assignments for the short story class, where my core assumption was not conveyed in words--and is radically different from their core assumption. Rewording the assignment is among my tasks for next semester.)

Shifting gears, I'm not entirely pleased with how I cranked the class through the poetry today. I did too much heavy directing of my own, rather than allowing them more time to wrestle on their own (and employing far too little Socratic method)--but on the other hand, I wanted to be sure we covered all the poems so we can move on to the last critical essays and get them working on their papers ASAP. I will say, they did good work; they're just a great class, and I love working with them even with crap pedagogy. There was one potentially tense moment, when one student teased another and got told off in no uncertain terms; I didn't make a big deal of it, but I need to keep an eye on them to make sure that the ruffled feathers get smoothed down. The interaction was between two of the students in that lovely group of four, so I'm particularly protective of their interrelationships, as I love how they've worked together so far.

Returning to their papers and the need to get them ready to write, I've been doing some rethinking on that score. I need to talk to tomorrow's class about the process they've just been through and ask them where they need the most time. I know I need much more time--about five times as long--to revise as I do to draft in the first place, so that's how I've set up the assignment schedule. However, I think it's possible they need more time to do the first version, that getting words on the page in the first place is much more difficult and time-consuming for them. Of course, that's partly because they don't know how to revise--and I'm deeply committed to teaching them revision processes this semester. But I'm motivated to re-evaluate their needs, specifically in regard to time, in part because I am considering shifting due dates. If I do, it will be mostly to take some pressure off myself (I just heard Ed cheer, I think)--but obviously they are not helped if they are rushed and panicked. We can't adjust things very far, but there's no reason why the schedule can't shift by one class. I'm just not sure which parts to shift, and what to do with the class time attendant on such an adjustment. Indeed, I may not make the change at all--unless I can figure out how to do it productively for all concerned. But it's worth exploring possibilities.

But again, I need my collaborators. And I realize I don't have to follow the same schedule for both classes: if I get different feedback from the two sections, I can adjust each one individually. I will know more once I've talked to them, but I also need to look carefully at the days/dates and see what works for me and my life.

I have a small stack of reading journals I want to get done before tomorrow's classes, so I've made myself unavailable to students tomorrow morning (even unavailable to Trying Again, though he specifically asked for a time tomorrow in the a.m.). I wasn't sure I'd get any done at all before packing it in for tonight, but I got at least some knocked over, so the morning shouldn't be too horrific. I'll determine the alarm time later, when I also have a sense of how early I'll manage to get to bed. I'm running short on sleep this week, being awakened even before the early alarm by those squirrel stampedes, and I'm getting to a point in my life where I can't go too long insufficiently rested and still be productive. (Jesus, I hate saying that, but it's what my father would have called a true fact: I simply am not as young as I once was. None of us are, of course, but what I mean by "young" gets older all the time. Now I miss the stamina I had when I was in my 40s, for fuck's sake, never mind my 30s or 20s.)

But that sleep thing will not happen if I'm here too late. I didn't leave campus until almost 8 last night, so it's not surprising I didn't get to bed until after midnight: I need a long, long, long glide path to come in for a landing. That said, my faithful readers, I am outta here.