I should have been in bed and asleep an hour ago; that alarm is going to go off right in the middle of my best sleep. Ah well. Not the first time, won't be the last. I'm having little butterflies about meeting the new classes tomorrow (i.e., the ones I haven't met yet), especially about Native American Lit. It's a class that can work really well, but it is not easy, and a lot of the students just are not ready for the challenge of the material. Before I left for Montana, I was worried that the class might not run: only 12 students were signed up, and since the course is capped at 30, it's hard for Bruce to make a case to run it less than half full. But by the end of my time in Montana, the class roster was up to 28 (it's bounced up and down a few times, as students get dropped for non-payment of their tuition--or hear about my reputation and run screaming for the exits--but it's settled back at 28 as of earlier today).

The fact that it filled so late leads me to believe that many of those students signed up just because they need an English credit and it fit their schedule. Not only did they not select the course because they're interested, they probably are not wild about English classes in general. That makes the difficult material even more difficult. I do have that one student from last semester, and I think I recognize another few names on my roster (one in particular: if she's the girl I remember, she was registered in the class once before and seemed very bright and capable, but her life outside of school was a train wreck so she had to drop the class--a real shame. If that is her, I'll be delighted to have her back.)

All I can hope is either that there is the requisite critical mass of good, intelligent, dedicated students so the lunks don't kill the class chemistry--or that there are miraculously few lunks (and they leave early; they often do, scared away just by the mere size of the handouts on the first day). That sounds so nasty, but it's just painful for the students and for me when they can't get the material, don't even know how to start. We all get frustrated and cranky. I'll knock myself out to try to help students who earnesly want to do well, but there is always that maddening percentage who feel too discouraged, or insecure, or just plainly don't give a shit. I'm trying to get better at just opening my hands and letting them go with no hard feelings: truly, this isn't everyone's bag, and why should these kids kill themselves over something they just don't want? But I love what I teach so much, it's hard to face the "yuck, who wants it, this is bullshit and it's too hard" attitude.

And yet, today I realized that little things can be so lovely and can lift my spirits so easily. I love it when students come to ask questions after class--especially this early in the semester (shows they believe I will help them, which makes me happy). And I love it when, as students leave at the end of class, they look me in the eye and say things like "see you next class" or even just "goodbye, Professor." That little bit of human contact makes me think I've begun to draw them in, that they are starting to realize that we do collaborate on this whole education thing. I like it. And I do take pride in the fact that they always know my name, well before the end of the semester. They often don't know their other professors' names, even after the entire semester has gone by (I don't understand that, but it's true). Of course, some know mine because they loathe me, but at least I'm not a non-entity to them.

Anyway, we'll see how tomorrow goes. I'll be glad when I've had a chance to really take the temperature of all the sections and have a sense of what I'm facing each day.

And now I'll try to put my butterflies to bed...