Sunday something

Not much of note today, though I did do at least a modicum of work. Life maintenance got in the way, but it was good to feel I have the 101 courses all set up on Blackboard--mostly as a back-up for class handouts (You lost it? It's on Blackboard.) but also for essay submissions to Turnitin. Among other things, having the Turnitin links through Blackboard means I don't have to give everyone a class ID and password. They're enrolled in my class; they're automatically set up to submit papers to Turnitin. Groovy.

And I did replace the quiz handouts that had the very embarrassing misuse of an apostrophe. Clearly, I am getting out of this career none too soon. If I were to stay, I'd get so used to making stupid mistakes I wouldn't even catch them later. (We write what we see.)

But I want to share something a little more personal. Not much, but a little. I believe I have at least mentioned how deeply I have agonized over the decision to retire and how profound the repercussions have been (continue to be) in my psyche. The change in identity goes deeper than I was prepared for, and the prospect of changing just about everything in my life is daunting. Now, I am getting a whole new area of emotional whammy: I sent the email to the English department stating that I am retiring, and I'm getting lovely responses from colleagues, expressing their sadness and dismay--and saying lovely things about my presence as one of sanity and clarity. It is very sweet to know that I am held in such affection by at least some of my colleagues, but it makes me feel a bit of ... what, something like survivor guilt, I think. And knowing I am leaving behind a rather large community of people who cared about my well-being. I felt a lot of that caring when my nephew died in 2013; I feel it again now. I'll miss it.

It is interesting, too, to see who has responded. I know one factor in the responses is simply who is checking NCC email at this point, before the official start of the semester, but I'm also interested to note that there are some responses that surprise me; I wouldn't have thought those particular colleagues cared at all, or cared so deeply.

Being a "dive off the dock head first, don't wade in slowly" type of person, it's very strange to have this long, prolonged good-bye. I'm learning to roll with it, letting it unfold gradually. That's a good life lesson for me in general, so, my thanks to the cosmos for this opportunity to practice moving slowly, taking time.