101 Blues

I've graded two and a fraction of the seven papers I have for 101. The two I graded did not come close to passing. (One could have earned a very low D if she'd done all the requirements and turned it in on time; the other would have been an F under the best of circumstances.) The one I started also is not looking very good: a D at best. The other four papers will probably be at least passing, if not reasonably good--though having said that, I'm madly touching wood, as students can fall into the abyss very unexpectedly. For example, the smartest student in that class seems to have vanished: he e-mailed me some time ago to tell me he'd broken his foot and to ask permission to e-mail his paper. I granted it and encouraged him to keep in touch with me about his foot so I'd have a sense of when he'd be back to class--and I did not receive the paper and haven't heard from him since, not even after sending an e-mail asking if he's still expecting to come back (and telling him I'd very much like him to).

I'm so utterly discouraged. The three students whose papers I've read (or started) won't pass the class, as their current papers reflect their work all semester. This is a new--and shamefully bad--record, even for me, to start with 23 students and at the end of the semester pass four. I'm not even talking about good grades here: I'm talking about just passing. Of the four, one is probably capable of solid B-level work; the others seem to be pretty much in C territory.

I wish I could just sign off on the entire course right now, cut my losses, and put my energy into the classes where it might still do some good. This is advice I frequently give students who don't have very good chances of passing, but as the professor, I can't just bail: I have to gut it out to the end, even if it just feels like pouring myself down the drain, draining myself for zero positive result. God, this is flat-out painful.

And I know I only have to get through four and three-quarters papers to have that bunch off my desk, out of my life (until the revisions come in), yet I just feel sick at the prospect of facing them. I'm not sure what to do here to turn this around for myself.

Add to all that malaise the fact that I am such an utter mess this semester that I completely forgot that the poetry students had a mini-paper due today, that their proposals--about which I have told them zero, zip, nada--are due on Monday. Obviously I'll revise that due date so I can talk to them about the assignment, but the fact that I just plain forgot? That's frightening. In the past I've felt like a plate spinner, but I always managed to keep most of them from crashing to the ground. This semester, I'm standing in a heap of smashed crockery, looking about me in a fog, wondering, now what?

So, OK, now what? I will do what I can to get the poetry class sorted out next week, adjusting due dates--and letting go of any late policy in terms of mini-papers (at this point, I just want them to get the work done and get credit for it: I don't much care about holding them rigidly to rules). In the 102s, we'll start talking about thematic issues in the novel (now that they're mostly starting to understand it), and I'll get them set up for their proposals. And 101? I'll finish this blog and then plug myself into my iPod, listen to whatever music fits my needs--knowing that sometimes the music will be a distraction, but that's OK--and simply force myself through the papers until it's time to go meet Paul.

And I will try very hard not to think about the fact that I'll be teaching three sections of 101 in the fall--not to think about the abject dread I feel at the prospect. Nope, don't go there. Get through this first, and dream of the summer to come.