The panic begins

I got the 101 papers back to the students today: it was torturous to grade them (the best grade of the lot was a C+) but they're back in the students' hands (until they boomerang back to me in revision next week). I was gratified that several of them wanted to talk with me today after class (which was an event we went to, not me having to teach--and I was very proud to see that my students were taking notes and genuinely paying attention, unlike the student from another class who sat in front of me and played games on his phone the whole time). Still, I feel frustrated that it takes them this long to realize that they need help--and not only to realize it but to come get it. But I will give them what I can in the time we have left. Whatever despair I feel arises because I actually do care. I want to give up, but I won't--and days like today, when students come to me for help--trusting that I will give it to them--make me remember why I don't give up. As long as I feel like something, anything, is getting through, I keep trying, no matter how worn out and despairing I get.

In fact, I'm starting to get panic e-mails and calls from students in all classes, wanting to meet with me for help. One 102 student, whose paper is due on Monday, e-mailed tonight to ask if she could meet with me. Unfortunately, the hour before the revision is due is the only time I have. I did suggest she use the Writing Center--and that she contact me via e-mail for whatever help I can give over the weekend. I also met today with a student who was unhappy with his reading journal marks and his paper grades: I felt awful as we've tried several times to meet and I kept having to put him off--but we finally got together, and I think he has at least a trifle better understanding of what I'm looking for. Whether he can implement it in his work is another issue, but I again made the offer of help via e-mail. I hope he takes me up on it.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to a seminar on student apathy, which I very much want to attend, as I want to find ways to deal with it more productively. But the prospect of having to get up pre-dawn to get to the stupid thing on time is unbelievably painful (why why why do they start these events so fucking early??). I may decide not to set the alarm and see when I wake up: if it's early enough for me to get there, I'll go--or I may simply go late (though I really do hate to do that). I will ride tomorrow, regardless. The weather is supposed to be gorgeous, and I missed last week, so....

But I am falling over tired--and I haven't eaten dinner yet (need to get something healthier than trail mix into my body)--so this will suffice for today.