The procrastinator's credo

"Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow."

Could I grade more essays today? Sure.

Will I grade more essays today? Nope.

Will I be kicking myself about it on Monday evening? Of course.

The question then remaining is, so why do I do this to myself? I don't have a good answer to that. It does have something to do with the fact that it isn't that I work well under pressure; it's that I only  work under pressure. If there's no pressure, I can find 400 things I'd rather do. Or even four. Or even one. Anything rather than work.

So, the new challenge that I am setting myself is to just accept that this is how I work, how I have always worked, and to stop whining about it: stop the kicking of self, and simply buckle down as needed to grind through the work. I know I am being ridiculously unrealistic in hoping I can make a huge dent in the grading tomorrow; life maintenance will get in the way and will--of course--take longer than I think. (I know how paradoxical that sounds: if I know it will take longer than I think, why do I not know how long it will take? The mysteries that the mind cannot unravel.)

I know, too, that part of why I am putting off doing more grading today is that I am feeling so discouraged by the essays--and am not looking forward to the wailing or belligerence that will ensue when I return them to students. I expect there will be a wave of attrition after they get these grades, especially as the next essay is coming right on the heels of their getting this one, so they may well get into the "I can't do this" mindset.

And oddly, I find I still care about that. Some of them, I grant you, I'd be happy to lose. (I'd be happy to lose almost the entire M/W class, in fact, if not all of them.) But I don't want them to give up on getting educated. I want them to work hard to get better. It's ironic that I'm working on essays where the students talk about the fact that high school did not prepare them for college and they are demonstrating exactly the behaviors one of the articles points out as problematic: the "do the minimum necessary" thing; the "quit rather than persevere" thing. Someone once told me I fulfill an important psychological function for them, giving them their first experience with limits, with genuine demands, with accurate appraisal of their abilities. All I can say is, it may be important for them but it is awfully damned wearing on me.

Ah well. This too shall pass. Seven more weeks of this. Breathe. Breathe. (And sure, procrastinate if that kinda works. If it works for today.)